One of my first clues that I might have compulsive behavior came upon reflecting after the fact. For a while, I worried that I didn't have OCD, and that my mind was just latching onto something to explain away my negative feelings about myself and my position in the world.

Not long after getting out of prison, where, ironically, I used to do the same thing while walking the track, I took a job as a commercial painter. Part of that job included painting multi-million dollar condos whose front yards were golf courses. Around some of the trees were number 8 river stone and in particular, quartz.

Quartz has unique optical qualities that make it easy to spot after it rains and it's morning or afternoon. The stones will "glow" softly, but noticeably, from the light refracting inside, and when they're still damp, they stand out like sore thumbs.

In prison, I ended up with peanut butter jars full of clear and semi-clear quartz crystals. No idea why I wanted them or what I would do with them, I just liked looking at them, and wanted them. Even unearthed a solid piece that was the size of my fist. Didn't matter that it was contraband--I wanted it.

Same thing happened on this one particular job site. I picked up one, and that triggered it. I started having that strange compulsion to grab as many as I could find. I tried rationalizing it, that it was just a few stones, whatever. I tried telling myself I would stop (I didn't). I would feel intense anxiety if I knew there was a stone there, and I wanted it, but was trying not to take it. I ended up with bags of them. No idea what I'm going to do with them (I had some vague idea of tumbling them, but there's too many). Then I left the site, and eventually quit, and the C in OCD went away.

But I've also noticed other things, too, that are odd, things that I never thought about before, but now see in a different light.

I have a drawer crammed full of white ankle socks and boxer-briefs. In prison you were allowed six pair, and I would always have a few extra stashed away, just in case. In this drawer, I probably have twenty to thirty pairs of socks and boxer briefs, all white, more than I could ever wear (especially as I don't even wear them anymore, but don't want to get rid of them as they're still clean and undamaged). When I hang my shirts in the closet (and I hang everything that doesn't fit in the drawers), they all have to be facing a certain way. Smears on my sunglasses are another trigger. I'll spend ten minutes cleaning them until I cannot see any streaking or discoloration from smudges.

Just some odd quirks of mine, I guess. The compulsions come and go, as do the obsessive thoughts, but when they hit, they hit hard. I think my purpose in this thread is to be heard and to name it, drag it out into the light. Pretty sure this qualifies as OCD, or at least, OCD-tendencies. I sometimes worry that I'm seeing OCD where there is none, that because mine doesn't seem to be as severe as that of others, it's somehow invalidated and that I'm making it u, which if it were true, would get me very angry with myself.

lol Bags of quartz...smh...what on earth am I going to do with bags of quartz? :P