Thurs 1-25 session:
I was running so late today. Work was crazy and I was still trying to wrap up last sessions note. Additionally, I was feeling down most the day with some anger. By time I got in the car to come see you, I only had 15 mins. I got going and the song Thunder by Imagine Dragons came on the radio. I like this song and sang to it on the way to your office. I wondered if you knew it. I thought about playing it for you. I got to your building with 5 mins to spare but there was no parking right there. I had to go up the block some to find a parking spot. I hurriedly walked to your building, around the back, and through the door. 1 min. I was carrying the big piece of cardboard, the smaller cardboard portfolio and had my backpack. There was someone waiting inside the back door and I had to maneuver things around to get into the second door. I went down the stairs, pushed the button and into the waiting room. I was the only one there. You came right out to see me.

Hi.. cardboard… hi. You seemed so upbeat/excited. I had been so down, I still was down. I didn’t want to bring you down. Also, the cardboard wasn’t for anything exciting. As we entered your office, you commented on me must have drove to have been able to bring the cardboard. Yes. I sat the cardboard on the couch, my bag on the floor, and took off my coat. I said that I had been meaning to bring in the cardboard to replace the shelving for the puzzle under the couch. You asked if I wanted to do that now. I said we could or did you want to cut down the cardboard. You said that it would give us room for extra pieces and it wasn’t larger than the couch. I said sure and laid it on the floor. We worked together to try to get the puzzle onto the cardboard. It had fallen off the shelf and we tried hard to scoot it onto the cardboard without it falling apart. It did come apart in a few places, not many. We got it put back together and slid back under the couch. You moved the 2 shelves to the space between the couch and the printer cabinet.

I returned to the couch and got the cardboard portfolio. I opened it up and showed you that it was just our coloring sheet and I sat it on the floor in front of you. I went over and got the colored pencils/crayon tote off the bookshelf. As I got them I thought, I can touch those they are mine. I returned and put them on the floor. I got down on my knees and pulled out my blanket from my back pack. I laid down on my belly, I looked at the puzzle under the couch, then tucked my blanket up to use as a pillow.

We opened up tote and took out the colored pencils. You opened them and spread them out into tiers. I picked a color and debated where to color. I told you that I had a rough day. I said it had been a long few days. I started coloring. I think I told you that I was sad and was mad earlier. My heart was not in it. My heart wasn’t in the puzzle either. I talked a little about my day as I finished coloring the little portion I had started. Then I put the colored pencil down and hugged my blanket.

I told you that I still had not heard from my personal trainer. I told you that I met with the groupon place and their prices were so not what was listed on groupons. I said that they offered to send me some names and one of them was my personal trainer. I didn’t take this the further step to talk about trying to reach out to her again.

I told you that I saw surgeon and no more infection, no more antibiotics, and wrap tightly for 2 more weeks. You asked me something about this and I said that it was looking much better. I said that I would have liked 5 more days of antibiotics, but that I understood their position as antibiotics are not something you want to cause problems for your overall health. Still I wanted to make sure every single infection cell was taken cared of. You asked me if it was because I thought if it did come back it would be resistant. I said yeah or that it would be harder, yeah. I think I again said it was looking much better.

Somewhere in here I got up, I had lost my earring and I couldn’t find it easily. Since, I had to get up and shake my blanket some to find it; I told you that I lost it. At first, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t really want to say anything. Once I had to move, I didn’t want you to wonder what I was doing. I found it and put it back in. I tried to go back to coloring, you had stopped as well. I couldn’t color. It was too much to try to color. You still sort of colored. It made me wonder briefly if you were even coloring or just pretending. You stopped coloring too. It was ok.

I continued with my updates – I saw sleep med. I told you about the 11 breathing related events, 2 limb related events, and 39 spontaneous events. You clarified limbs, I moved my arms and said limb movement. I told you that he wanted to send me to see a therapist for insomnia. You smiled/laughed, I took it as amusement. I said yeah, after the big discussions of increasing sessions and I laughed. We talked on this for a bit. I told you about how when the sleep study was done, I was between my 2 surgeries so my legs were a mess and the bed was not comfortable but still ratios. You seemed to agree that the ratios were significant. I told you that I had wanted to get the report for you but forgot to ask for it. I told you that I had looked it up online and was surprised to find out that events like what happened with my daughter could create this more long-lasting sleep problems. I went back to there because that was when I really stopped sleeping. You agreed and explained it as sleep conditioning. You didn’t seem so convinced that the CBT-I would be helpful. You let me know that you led/taught the group at old clinic one time (maybe more). I asked you then that you had the knowledge and we could pursue that if I wanted. You said yes. You said that I was already doing the bed restriction and asked about an insomnia bed. I told you that I had saw that suggestion and talked to my wife about it. She is supportive of it as a short-term thing. We talked about me getting blood work done and checking the different levels. I wonder about the thyroid. I might need to lower that dose again. I also brought up it being just part of menopause. With me keeping my ovaries, I’m not sure how much that plays into it. You asked about the naltrexone. I said that was one thing I was unhappy about. I had hoped they would been able to mark time wise where the different events happened so that we could see if there was any clustering. They were not able to do that. I said that we’d tackle this once I was done with the work project.

I put my head on the blanket and started to cry, I brought up the idea that if I solve my sleep issues and I feel much better then I might lose what I have here with you. I told you that I knew that sounded messed up. You asked something to clarify. I said something about what I’d lose again. You said some stuff… wonder what I would gain. More was said, I cried. I’m really not sure what happened in this part, what was said, where I went with things. We talked for a little bit of time here. It’s kind of a blur of emotions – sadness. So much loss.

Eventually something led me to pulling out my journal. I said that first I have something for you. I gave you the picture of “that’s how I roll” (http://assets.rebelcircus.com/blog/w...mart-humor.jpg). You looked at it, smiled, thanked me. You asked me if I made it or found it. I said I found it. That I liked it and thought it would go into my math/science tattoo. You said something about it that indicated that you liked it.

I started reading through my journal, summarizing and reading it. I don’t remember the order of things. I think I began with the passage of not being ready to go into the next cycle with you. You thought the imagery of the truck was vivid/strong. We talked a little here, I don’t remember what.

I then scanned the page and read to you about being mad at you in the morning and feeling like things were ending between us.

I read, “replaceable, and that was what I learnt from having a little sister. “ I summarized the feelings around having to leave on time, forcing me to grow up.

You non-verbally responded to the “Man am I big on the preemptive feelings” statement.

I read
I shared with you that after session I felt like I wasn’t connected to you and that I felt little. I went on to say how I didn’t feel connected to you throughout the week. That I missed you a lot – I couldn’t find you. I still wasn’t really feeling you. I remember looking at the puzzle again, later in the session, hoping to feel something for it/with it. I didn’t.
As I continued looking through my journal, I shared with you what was going for me on the drive to last session. Then I jumped to how I was feeling after session. I again read to you about feeling little and being unable to concentrate. I told you that I tried the circle concept to get my parts to talk and share with me what was going on. We talked about the image I had of the yogi man/weeping buddha. I described the position of the figure in my mind. I told you that at first it felt like someone younger than the little boy, then it felt adult. I told you that it was trying to see a shadow or fog out the corner of your eye and when you turned to look at it directly you don’t see anything. I told you that the parts are scared and not talking to me.
I read more about post session and how I gave up trying to work on things and just went and did laundry, about thinking I should have asked about the wrapping paper because of it being a day for disappointments and why I had brought in the purple ball.
I don’t remember you saying anything through this part of the session. I did read about and talk about frequency of sessions and how I had talked to my wife about it, my thoughts that you might have been thinking of going to M-Th office days to get your 4x week offering to people. I said how that still wouldn’t help me with the Th-M swing except if after 4 days on, I would just want/need the break. You kind of laughed at this… and said something about getting away from it… maybe you used the break word. It was light hearted commentary.

My watch had gone off, I knew our time was up. I pulled out the calendar and said that I had wanted to talk to you about your time off. You told me about the Feb dates as they are concrete. We marked them on my calendar. You indicated time in June, July, and Sept. You said these were not for sure yet and you were not positive about the weeks. The one in Feb is coming the week of my upgrade at work. I don’t think this is a good thing. You talked about maybe being able to do video visits on the other weeks but not the Feb one. I’m going to need to ask you your available on the Feb one. You did let me know that you were planning on working President’s day so with that break, I would see you the Monday before and the Monday after your trip (only 7 days). I managed your last vacation. It wasn’t pretty. And 5 days is really hard for me. What can we do to make it easier? This is not a matter of me not being able to ask. I don’t know what to ask for. Can you dream with me to find out/figure out what would work for me? We only have 5 visits to sort this out.

I went to pack up my stuff. I told you that the printer messed up and printed your copy of the journal as double sided. We made sure that your copy was your copy, that it didn’t have the personal portion of the journal. We packed up the color pencils, you wanted to make sure the colors stayed in order. We put them in the tote and closed up the tote. I got up and went to put the tote back on the bookshelf. Now I felt uncomfortable with your stuff again. I was worried that putting down the tote would scratch something. I was able to put it down. I was just aware that now I was touching your stuff.

I pack up my bag and sat on the couch. It was time for me to say our closing. I wasn’t feeling it, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to say it. I said that I didn’t want to lose the feeling of love and being loved. I said that I know that I love and am loved. It’s the feeling. You said something about the visceral sensation of love. I said yeah. I didn’t remember what these things felt like before therapy. I’m afraid of losing it. I think you understood that was what I meant by losing when I said losing you. I still think it’s a bit messed up.

I sat there a moment, debating saying what was in my head. Finally I said it, I'm sorry. You looked at me, I think I surprised you with that statement. I said I know. You said that you knew I knew. You asked about the I'm sorry. I said for crying, for being sad, for being me. I wanted to say for dropping all of this at your feet, being a downer.

I paused again. Do I say the I love you? I don’t know. I still don’t want to go. Eventually I say that I’d probably be mad at myself later if I didn’t say it so I said “I love you” You said, “I know”. More was said as we wrapped up, be safe, be well, thank you. You said 3 sleeps starting tomorrow – or in the morning.

I headed out and there were people in the different offices. That was the most I’d seen. The one person that is by the bathroom was at their desk and they looked up as I came out. That kind of bothered me some. Dr. F. cannot really see you as you come around the corner to the stairs. He was at his desk too.