I am so very sorry you are experiencing this. I teared up reading your posts because I can relate to all of your thoughts and feelings so much. I'm not in a place to give advice or help, but I do relate to you so very much. I wish I could give you a hug. We could cry together if that would help.

I know its a terrible feeling. I hope you can forgive yourself. It isn't something I've been able to do for myself yet either though.