I'm sorry if this is a bit long but I have to explain what I'm actually going through.
Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me... Ever since I'm a kid, I've had problems making friends.

I'm epileptic. Though I'm French, I grew up in NYC where I never felt any difference between me and the others. I was treated equally. When we returned to France in 1973, as I had frequent seizures, people started making me understand that I wasn't "like the others", when I wasn't called crazy... Throughout the years, I developed a feeling of lack of self confidence. I often used to buy stuff to people because I wanted them to like me, to be my friends. Now I'm 45 but I still sometimes do this, though in a different way : I always try to please people by showing that I am useful. If I know that a colleague is looking for something that is difficult to find, I'll do my best to find it for him/her... Of course, the person is delighted if I reach my aim but it never lasts very long...

I don't have many seizures anymore (about 4-5 per year) but I've been so protected by my parents who always did everything for me and I've suffered so much of my disease in my relationships with people, that I never was self-confident at all. As I grow older, it seems to be worse and worse. Every single move, word that people make/say to me counts. I'm maybe a bit paranoid but I simply can't help it. I always say to myself "She/he said this so it means that" or "She/he wouldn't have said that if she/he appreciated me..."

I've always felt that I wasn't interesting. That I had to go after people. It was never them who tried to get in touch with me. I always used to call back. Nobody ever needed my company. In friendship that is. To have a partner/husband is ok but friends are important too.

I've been working for 2 years now. We are a team of 10 persons. Half of the team is 27-34 years old and the rest is 50-53 years old. I'm stuck in the middle and don't share interests of any team... The first team is too young mentally for me and the others spend their time speaking of their children or grand-children.

Last time, one of the teams told me "We're not eating here today because we have a good friend who's coming over. We're going to eat outdoors with her, so I suggest you go to the canteen !" I was shocked, hurt you can't imagine ! Why didn't they say something like "Why don't you come with us ? We'll introduce her to you, it will be an occasion for you to meet her.." ? No. Instead of that, they got rid of me... When I used to have lunch with them every day in the office... Apparently, I'm not entirely part of the team, as I can see...

Today, at lunchtime, one of my colleagues says she's going to Auchan (a supermarket). Another one with whom she gets along well says that she's going too because she has to go to another shop called Fnac which isn't far from Auchan. I ask if I can come too as I also had to go to Fnac have a look. Once at the shopping plaza, I see both girls go in the opposite direction than where they had said. I say "hey, didn't you say that you were going to... ?" One of them says "Mmm...no, after all, I'm not sure I'll be going... But you in exchange, you can go ! If you go in this direction you'll find the shop ! It's not far from here ! Go on ! And off they went, leaving me horribly lonesome and completely down. I went back to my job, ate on my own at the canteen. For me, the fun was mostly going shopping together. But not to feel rejected once more.

I'm aware that not everyone will like me but there's a limit. I have no physical defect that could displease people (people are sometimes so stupid !), I'm even quite good-looking so the problem must be my way of being. What's wrong with me ? I feel like crying my heart out. I'm so fed up...