Thanks. Perna, he said wanted to get me an emergency assessment at the psych unit of our nearest hospital. He told me the name of the hospital, and took my cell phone number and said he'd call and tell me when and where to go. I thought he meant he'd call today. Maybe he had a problem organizing with the hospital as I have no insurance, I don't know. He seemed really worried about me, and told me that once a week counselling was prob not going to be enough and wanted me to start with the psych unit assessment and be open to all the options they offered. He seemed genuinely concerned.

Mayam, you are right I have a million explanations and every single one has to do with why this was a mistake, why I never should have been honest about my feelings, or how I somehow f*cked up again. I am tired and scared and rapidly losing my nerve about getting help. The original plan seems so much easier. I hope to have gained some courage - of the kind that lets me pick up the phone, not the other kind - by morning.