I want tubal ligation. After looking into it, I've found that probably no doctor will do it because of my age and the fact that I have no children yet. I don't want that to ever happen. I dream about being pregnant, or having a child. In the dreams I feel loving and... like I guess a mother should feel. But when I'm awake the idea horrifies me. I'm too afraid of what would happen.
I'm very closed off from people. I'm sort of a female mysogynist, which has led to gender issues - logic stated that I had to hate my self, so I took on a lot of masculine attributres. When I was twelve I wanted a sex change. I have no female friends. Not one.
I started SI when I was 13. Later, alcohol and drugs. I didn't learn how to express negative emotions until I was 22. I could literally sit in silence with tears streaming down my face for hours fighting to say the words "I'm angry." We were not allowed to express anger, sadness, loneliness... I didn't even learn how until my life was already a mess. I didn't know how to say NO. I was taught to fear everyone and everything. I was taught that I couldn't do anything alone. I was taught that on every dark street people waited to (forceful unwanted sexual act) me. I was taught FUTILITY and how much bleach it takes to crack your skin. I was taught that it doesn't matter how sore I am, it's mother's day and I will get out of bed, dammit, and dad won't help when mom has me on the floor. I was taught that girls are not allowed. I was taught to always worry about what the other person is thinking. My brother and I were trained so well, that now, WE CAN NOT BE DEFEATED. We learned from the best! I was taught that it's none of my business, you nosy little b!tc#! When my dad was psychologically breaking down my litte brother in the next room and I couldn't sleep because it had been going on for hours. Nothing is any of my business. Not even me.
When my cat bites me, I feel like I've gone blind and I just react, throw him accross the room. I hate the things I do, and I know I can't have children because I'm afraid I will hurt them.
Once when I was a teen I babysat my two cousins for a night. The baby wouldn't stop crying. He cried all night and I couldn't get him to sleep. I held him, rocked him, put him to bed several times, changed his diaper, fed him, let him sleep on the couch with me. I ignored him for a while, but that obviously didn't help. Finally I picked him up around his ribs and held him over the top of the stairs... I squeezed him and wanted to throw him down, I wanted to scream "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" But my other cousin was trying to sleep. I growled the words at him under my breath. I put him back on the bed and started pacing, afraid of my thoughts. I hated my self for that. He didn't deserve that. No one does. Babies are innocent. All children are innocent. And I can't ever have them. I am a horrible person. I dreamed of a giant gnashing (female external reproductive part) in a wildly thrashing sea all floating with babies, mashing them all to peices.
I constantly fall for men who act sociopathic. I realized, after leaving my X, that the only two men who have ever made me feel so bad, so completely worthless and insane, in my whole life, were him and my dad. I haven't loved anyone since, and I don't think I ever will again. I would rather s#!t through a hole into my own head. The only other guy I've been remotely intimate with was just like my X. Proving that it is inescapably engrained. Alone, I am safe. I will not be broken.
So, I'm going to die lonely and barren.
Thanks, mom and dad!
Where do I go from here? Does this ever go away? Do people get to be normal if they try hard enough? Can you learn how to be a good mom if yours was a sniveling b!tc# that only knew how to get things out with a belt? Can you learn how to be a good dad if yours was an ape, always blaming you instead of appologizing for breaking your things and frightening everyone? Does this just go on and on FOREVER?
I don't want to blame them. I know that my actions are mine to control and be responsible for. I realized how bad this was when I was fifteen, and all of a sudden it made sense. I learned what I lived. Now I've got to unlearn it all and learn all new things, and I don't even know how to begin.