Yes, I'm here calmly saying that I would take it as a sign of caring, in the cold light of day, but it's totally possible that in the moment I would have freaked out as you did.

I totally see what you're saying - it seems pointless seeing MH people if you're not able to be honest with them and you feel like you have to pretend to be feeling ok and stable.

I think one of the many things I appreciate about my T is his unflappability. If he ever lost it then I'm sure I would too. There was just one time he said he was going to call an ambulance (I felt like he "threatened" to call an ambulance. He didn't see it that way.) But then I have to admit I had called his mobile phone late at night which has never happened before or since. I think being able to stay calm is a really major and important skill for people who work in mental health.

I wonder if it would be possible to see the counsellor you were seeing before and talk to them (her?) about how you are thinking of discharging yourself, I wonder if your previous counsellor would have a useful perspective and maybe be able to support you in thinking through these things.