hi t,

i've been feeling sad and scared all week. it feels like i am losing my parents, losing any hope of getting what i need from them. i had this rush of fear and sadness the other night. i don't know what brought it on but i felt like crying and i wanted you or them to fix it and make it better.

not sure if this is related to the above, but i've also been feeling more of this longing to connect with you. it had gone away for a while. and because of that, i hadn't been soothing myself to sleep by imagining you speaking softly to me or stroking my hair. but now that the depression's changed character and it isn't barraging me in the night, i feel better in many ways... but i also feel utterly adrift. nothing seems to matter. i do not know who or what i am or why anything matters. it is very disorienting. i want to feel grounded, firmly rooted. (though i do not want to be grounded in the depression again--that was very unpleasant.) maybe i'm trying to cling to that old longing as a type of grounding? i don't know if that's good or bad. the longing hurts because you can't fulfill it. but separation isn't right either because theoretically, we ought to feel connected to one another for this therapy thing to work (per yalom, at least, to whom you subscribe on this point).

and maybe it's because of this renewed desire for you to hold me (or maybe it's about the separating from the parents thing) but i have this urge to apologize profusely for doubting the efficacy of therapy. i want to sweep into your office, quivering and crying, apologize profusely for doubting you/your profession/your methods and say i'll never do it again if only you'll keep trying to help me. i wonder if that's meant for my mother instead of you?

in addition to all of this, i also feel physically ill. it feels almost like a hangover (horrific queasy headache, zero desire to eat, general sensation of crappiness) but i haven't had any alcohol in weeks so that can't be it. also hangovers don't give you chills and fever. if i felt any sicker i'd start to think about meningitis and drag my sorry behind into the ED for some azithromycin and an lp but it doesn't feel actually serious yet. just icky.

maybe i should ask for the rest of the week off. this is the one week this whole year when my presence isn't actually necessary so nobody would have to fill in for me if i were home. i'll talk with the chief residents; maybe they'll be understanding.

anyway. i see you in a little less than an hour. please help me. i feel so small and sad and helpless. (i'd call it pathetic but i suppose that isn't nice.) (i wonder if the only way i know how to get any caring is by presenting as small and sad and helpless.)

-c