There have been so many times in recent years when I was on the road to full blown mania (or in it) or depression and a change my psychiatrist of 12 years made to my medications stopped the episodes in their tracks, and prevented what many people think are the inevitable swings to the opposite poles.

It's been a long road to figuring out what medication cocktail is best for me. The four years following my first hospitalization were extremely tough. I was hospitalized 10 times in that period and put on medication mixes that were just totally wrong for me. I was also in a state of trauma during that time, and for some years afterwards. Therapists weren't that effective, when effective therapy would have been very valuable, too. Actually, I think that I needed time to recover in many ways. It's hard to say how easy it would have been for me with even the best medication cocktail and therapy.

I'm still on disability, though the last few years have been notably better than the previous ones. I know enough about my situation, the deep down me, and my inner challenges to know just "snapping out of it" and being perfectly functional would have been sort of a miracle. But I am very close to making some good headway. I thank my 12 year psychiatrist and 4 year therapist for some of that, but the rest is me. I have to do it. They could never have gotten me to where I am now without my own efforts. There was no secret pill to cure me of the complex illness I suffered from.

I'm a little sad and nervous that at this time, when I'm starting on the path to getting off of disability, that my therapist of 4 years is suspending her practice. She knows me so well and I've felt very comfortable with her. I do dread starting with a new therapist again. It's not easy for me to get past the initial anxiety of opening up to a new person. I fear a new therapist will look at me and say "You're ready right now" when they know virtually nothing about me. I need baby steps and the right counseling along the way. I do NOT want to take too quick and big of a leap just to find myself falling down a hole.