I showed my t the post I wrote earlier today. I didn't write it with the intention of showing it to her but after I hit the "submit reply" button I thought about how I was getting sick of almost-but-not-really saying all of the things that make me feel ashamed. So after I curled myself up in the institutional blue chair in her office, I handed her my phone opened up to PC and scrolled down to what I wrote.

She was quite good about it. I spent a lot of the session looking at the floor anyway. I appreciated that she said it was brave of me to show it to her, though on the scale of bravery I know it doesn't count for much. She asked why I'd addressed it to "t" and signed it "c;" I said something like, "well 't' is shorthand on the forum, and c is a username--we're all on this forum talking about the deep dark secrets of our therapy, it's not like I'm going to sign it with my social security number." She also said, "this says part 29; are there 28 other missives that have gone unsent?" I laughed and explained that it was a thread that everybody posts on, not just me. I've probably written her directly 5 or 6 times? I dunno.

I also remember saying, "I almost think it'd be easier if what I wanted from you was romantic or erotic." And she immediately agreed, saying something like, "yes, because those aren't the areas in which you feel conflicted. And even if you did have those feelings... it'd still be a bit embarrassing to talk about, probably, but you'd be able to take a step back and explain them as 'something that happens sometimes in therapy.' What you've got going on now is so difficult to find words for, in part because so many of these longings started when you were a kid, before you had the language to describe it."

There was more but it's not coming to me right now.

Oh, she was asking why I felt so ashamed--whether I believed that she was disgusted. I said I figured she wasn't disgusted because therapy is weird and she must be used to this sort of thing by now. And she replied with something like, "so you're thinking about how I might react to things-in-general, rather than how I feel in this moment with you?" I mumbled assent. She explained about how I desperately want caring and ask for it but am not actually open to it. How counter-dependent I am (I hadn't heard that word before; she had to explain it to me). It was interesting. Though now I'm wondering, "okay but how can I change that?" Not sure why it didn't occur to me at the time.

Anyway. That's what I remember right this instant.