So...

...in 1985 I was diagnosed with, um, five different psychiatric disorders. Two were BPI and schizoaffective. These were DSM-III days, I think.

DSM-V caused quite a stir in re the diagnosis of schizoaffective diagnosis so I was downgraded to BPI w/psychotic features. My psychosis, though, is kind of ever-present (long story) and I’m on max+ doses of atypical antipsychotics with a few typical in case of severe episodes. Not safe dosages but I don’t really depart from reality whilst in these continuous alternate worlds.

Sometimes I don’t take these meds because they make me too sleepy. Like tonight (late-is morning).

I’m high now. I’m also in a psychotic world.

I found some solace in the schizoaffective forum but my question, in this BP forum, is:

Does anyone here have ‘psychotic features’ along with BP? Anyone else on ++ doses of antipsychotics (typical, like Thorazine or atypical, like Seroquel)? I can’t let go of this constant mania or let go of my superiority and abilities to cross that greatest divide. My therapist and pdoc are aware of these thoughts - doc wanted to hospitalize me last month for mania/I said ‘no.’ She is VERY AWARE of my overarching fear of hospitals/psych wards.

So, anyone? I feel as if I’m paddling solo, here, in a tandem kayak. That’s where I want to go - back to the wet river-world, running class-5 rapids in a fiberglass kayak. I had a need for the extreme back then and maybe it’s the same now.

I’m so f**ked up now.