I wrote and sent the below to my therapist after a crap session yesterday with lots of misunderstanding and in which he referred to something I was experiencing as a 'part' as being 'me.' (I came in viewing him as some sort of enemy and threat that I needed to 'squash.' And, I was experiencing that as 'not me,' but he said that "I" was angry, and when I said "No, it's not me," he said "but it is you." and this was my very first foray into kind of directly talking 'parts' with him since we opened the topic. So, I felt lied to...like...he said it was safe to talk parts, but then when I did, he made me feel ridiculous.) I'm still really...really new to parts talk and allowing any of it at all, and so this is going to be a chaotic dump of just "here's my explanation of what I see happening in me"...I'm asking if anyone else can relate to this... (and, to be clear, I do not claim to have DID. I don't have DID.):

Whenever I've found myself swinging into a totally different 'reality' (e.g., a reality in which you (my therapist) are an enemy), I have simply adopted it as my new reality... believing fully and completely that that's just what I believe now, have always believed, and will continue to believe for forever. That it's the new gospel truth.

I do this in my personal life too; I'll swing wildly into a reality where my husband is absolutely unacceptable, that there's no way for me to stay with him, that there's no way I'll ever have another child with him - I don't WANT another child, and I've always just accepted that as my new gospel truth...until I'd swing into a totally different reality, which has always felt very fluid for me like...it's my normal...but it leaves my husband spinning. His 'reality' doesn't shift like that. If I say "I never want another child," he believes me fully and goes through all of the emotions that proclamation brings -- only to be whacked again when, a few weeks later, I'm saying "let's get pregnant this summer."

As therapy has gone on, what I've been experiencing is more like...awareness when that happens that it's not really what I believe... and that's why I came bumping up against this "I have to use parts talk" wall. Because, I'm rendered incapable of speech now when I have literally 3+ completely distinct realities in my mind with their own 'voices.'

Yesterday, at first, I wasn't aware at all that what I was feeling 'wasn't me.' As always - I just adopted it as my new forever truth; it simply was reality -- that you were a threat that I needed to and was going to squash. But, as we went on - I became increasingly aware of the other 'voices' other 'realities' including what I'd refer to as 'me' (or, what Group T would call my 'highest adult self') screaming in my head completely different truths and realities (e.g., "stop! stop! He's not some enemy! You're not being forced to be here! You're here by choice!" and "You're going to regret this. You're going to have to punish yourself for this later" and still another small, young, scared, sad voice "please please, please see me. please see me in here. Please don't think this is me, don't leave")

Those voices got louder, and I became increasingly aware that I wasn't controlling or even aware was coming out of my mouth. It's like the words bypassed my brain and spewed out of my mouth without my choosing to say them - and this happens all the time for me - this isn't some new phenomenon, it's just new for me to notice it so much...

In a way, it's helpful - I'm more aware - In my awareness, I can reassure myself that the new 'reality' isn't the gospel truth. Example? When I came back home, I recognized immediately that I was ..idk... 'mix minded?' One part of me was still raging (as above) - and very close 'up front' - as if it could take over at any time. And, when it does, I snap - I slam things - I'm scary and angry, and it upsets my husband and daughter - this is something my husband has finally been more open about this whole "I don't know who I'm going to get" feeling that he carries around with him concerning me (and he has no idea about 'parts' none whatsoever). But, even while I felt that part raging very close to taking over, My mouth was opening and saying the 'mommy' things that the very 'mommy' part of me says - and I had no control over this either. My body and mouth were just somehow on autopilot and I could hear in my brain something like "the part of me that's talking right now is not the same as the part of me that's thinking right now." I can't find words to fully explain. I did realize, though, that I was at imminent risk of becoming 'scary, mean' me in any moment, and so I excused myself to go lock myself in the bathroom/shower/ride it out in there, thus, hopefully, protecting my husband and daughter.

I have no idea if I've explained this in an understandable way. I guess the main point I'm saying is that I was actually quite surprised at my own intense reaction to your "but it is you" comment. It also just made no sense, because to this point, when this kind of thing has happened in the past (where my whole world view, motives, values, etc. change like this, which I'm now referring to as a 'part'), I have always still referred to it as being 'me.' I don't 'turn into' different people - I still say "I" and "me," because the new reality feels like just that - mine - the only one that exists.

Which is another reason why I feel like I must be making this all up... because, now, where is this "it's not me" thing coming from? I can only say that I gave that response without thinking - it's just what naturally came out of my mouth. If it is made up, then I've made it up unintentionally.

3 years in to therapy, I became aware (with my ex therapist's help) that my realities shifted at all. Until that point, I wasn't aware my realities shifted, and I would make big decisions (ending relationships, acting out sexually, etc.) while stuck in one reality only to have that reality shift and then regret and not even understand my decision.

And now, with you, I guess, it feels like I'm becoming aware of ...ugh... 'parts.' That it's not just my perception of reality that shifts, but something more. And, that the other 'realities' are still there...in me...with other 'parts.' And, in fact, that I'm capable of 'seeing'/'hearing'/'accessing' other realities even while 'stuck' in a specific reality. And that must be where the "It's not me" thing came from.

^ The above is all to tack on to my email last night that I'm not sure made any sense. If I'm going to explain what 'parts' means 'to me' and ask for your reaction/feedback on that (which I am asking for with this, by the way), then I want to lay it out as clearly as I can.

I feel like I'm taking a gigantic risk... I can only say that if this IS something I've made up for attention, I have NOT done so intentionally. That much I know.