First session ended up very disjointed. I said many important things, but I feel very dissociated. R was warm and friendly and offered a hug as soon as she’d arrived. I promptly forgot to ask her for the words ‘You’re safe, Lost.’ She apologised for the gap and explained a little.
Stupidly I didn’t take the opportunity to talk about a crisis plan with her
‘I’m sorry for the e-mail. That was the only way I could think of to express it. I sat for a while and thought ‘Tell it how it is’’
‘We’ve built a bit of a relationship so I can appreciate that it must have been difficult.’
‘With everything that’s happened with mum’s back and the anniversary… It has been a difficult time. The way my brain works at the moment, there is no difference between the phrase ‘I think I’m going to cough’ and what I now call the Tennessee bathroom scene.’
‘That sounds terrifying.’
I confirmed that it was, and told her about my experiences with Headspace. She said it didn’t sound like the sleep exercise was helping. I told her that I had been journaling and trying various things.
‘I’ve been trying, and it has been trying…’
‘You’ve been trying and it has been trying.’
I mentioned the difference between being triggered and being scared from my perspective. Scared is a momentary experience and I’m back, whereas being triggered ‘Scrambles the circuit… Messes with my functioning a bit more.’
I mentioned a conversation between friends about their neighbour’s daughter.
‘It was just one word, the adjective form…And I was standing there with my eyes closed holding on to the kitchen worktop reminding myself to breathe.’
‘With one word.’
I told you about my experience of the last few weeks of being like one of those games where you can’t touch the wire or it will buzz. She got the analogy because her kids played with one over Christmas.
‘And even when I’m not playing the game so to speak… The buzzing still goes on.’
I showed her the collage and she remarked on ‘Inexplicable, even to those who know.’
‘If this period was supposed to be the Boss Battle, I feel like I’ve lost.’
‘I’m not here to save you or rescue you, but I want to offer you what you said earlier –‘I’m doing what I need to do to get through.’’
She also offered that I consider this last month as something separate from the rest of the journey. It has been exceptionally difficult, but it doesn’t mean that I have lost.

‘We go forward from here. It’s not over.’