Thanks for the input everyone. It sounds like some facilities really aren’t much better than the short term inpatient facility i’ve gone to, three times in the past two years.

It’s just that i’m getting a little afraid of myself. Last night was the second time this month I left my house without telling my family, turned off my phone, and just drove around for a few hours. The first time, I felt the need to escape. But I really was in a break from reality, I don’t remember much other than driving around dark roads out in the county, ending up at a grocery store but feeling unable to get out of the car. Last night I needed to escape again, this time just driving around the city to find a place to be alone, but after 9:30 p.m. all parks and such were closed. I ended up in a parking lot near my daughter’s gym, cried for a while, then fell asleep in the car. I got home around 1:30, everyone was still asleep, no one even knew I was gone, which was so much better than my husband calling me every 5 minutes worried about where I was.

I don’t know, I’m worried I’m going to leave and keep going. My illness just seems to be getting worse, I can’t handle simple activities, my moods are all over the place. I get overwhelmed easily, in addition to crying, i’m starting to have panic attacks when I feel overwhelmed. I’m taking my meds, but not on a good schedule. I don’t want to be here, but I can’t harm myself because our only family income is my disability, and I can’t leave my family homeless. All I care about are the needs of my kids, my husband, they consume me. I have thought about running away many times, but this month has been the first time i’ve really been at that edge by leaving the house and not knowing if I have the courage to come back. But then I can’t leave because we only have one car. Sigh. I’m sick of it all, it makes me hate my existence even more.

I just want to go to a safe place for a while, because short term inpatient does nothing for me. I need time to force myself to get my medications under control, but I also need a lot of therapy to learn how to cope with life, and it sounds like a lot of you never got that. Because I’m not coping with life at all.

Another thing that keeps me here is because I don’t have the money to leave - again, I have to think about everyone else, I can’t take all our money with me. But when we get our tax refund back likely sometime next month...I don’t trust myself that I won’t just leave. I think I just want a safe place to be right now. Now I wish I had never deleted the phone numbers of one of the men I met during my horrible manic episode a year and a half ago. I can’t believe I’ve gotten that desperate.

I see a completely new psychiatrist in 2 weeks, I don’t know how she will process all this info. I shouldn’t have the money to leave by then, so hopefully I won’t make any impulsive decisions before the appointment. If long term inpatient is so horrible, I don’t know what to do.

Thanks for listening. Keep telling me about your experiences.