I haven't been around much lately. Hit kind of a low and didn't care about much. I also realized that in the weeks before I'd gotten kind of high and started to be superwoman again, thinking I could solve everyone's problems. Then I started to get condescending... I was probably being a total ***. So when I realized what was going on, that I had probably stepped on peope's toes, I stayed away. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut more.
So, I kind of screwed up. My uncle gave me three mickeys for Christmas. I decided I'd save them for New Years and give them away to friends. I was lonely during the week, there's no one here and I just sit about by my self most nights. I goofed during the week after Christmas, and drank by my self at home, and gave my self a haircut. These are the things that happen when I'm drinking, I JUST DONT CARE. Thankfully, I didn't give my self a mohawk, which had been my original intention, and the haricut is a pretty good one. I didn't tell anyone I was drinking when I did it.
Then New Years Eve. By then I had abandoned all hope, and drank all night. At the end of the night (which still felt early to me, around 5:00am), three friends had to wrestle me for the last of the alcohol, which I wanted to take home and continue drinking. My one friend's mom lives in a shelter because of alcoholism. My other friend has seen it before too. My room mate knows me better than anyone else. Oh my god, these three people holding me back, it was like a group hug only worse... prying a bottle of vodka out of my alcoholic death-grip... I was so angry, and felt so helpless. People that didn't really know me could see this happening. I felt ashamed. I tried to convince my room mate to take just one bottle so that I could "give it to my brother" (bullpuckey). He reluctantly agreed.
When I got home, after thinking the whole way about continuing the drinkfest I'd started, I asked my roomie if he wanted a night cap. "Of what?" he asked. "Vodka, of course," I said. He told me he had left it there. I didn't believe him. I searched his room. I looked through the cupboards. I was furious when I realized he was not just hiding it from me, but had actually left it at the party. It still makes me fume just thinking about it. I felt like he had betrayed me, that he had broken my trust, taken the decision out of my hands when it wasn't his to make. I would have sworn up and down that I was completely sober, and I did, actually. During our argument I could hear my self slurring, but I would have told a cop I was sober as a nun. I was so tired from arguing that I layed down in my bed while he talked to me from my chair. I closed my eyes and began spinning around and around. I didn't even realize how drunk I was until I layed down and closed my eyes, and then I just wanted to throw up. He brought me a glass of water which I drank tentatively. That's the way it always is. I'm not "drunk" until I'm passed out on the ground. He stayed in my room until I was almost out, and then he went to bed. I hope he wasn't babysitting me... I feel awful about it. I'm such a pain in the ***.
As much as I'm terribly pissed off that he did that... I know I have to thank him. I choke on that thank you, and I choke on the appology too. I can't bring my self to say it. I let him go to bed feeling guilty for making a decision that was not his to make. Or was he just humouring me because I was drunk and stubborn? I don't know.
Those three friends that wrestled me... they're the best friends I've got, and my roomie is the best of all. I love those guys.