So some of you know that my T and I were close, or so It seemed.... he did a lot of questionable things and was super friend like to me....more so than typical T's should be.

Anyway I stupidly decided to ask about the possibility of friendship to some degree after T ends one day, now in my note I was clear about meaning just an occasional meet up for lunch or a walk, or keeping in touch via email etc. Nothing drastic.

He was not upset by it, but he rejected me, completely. He went from being mr casual for months to throwing rules and ethics at me. Telling me some day "it all has to end, all of it" and that T's are not supposed to tell clients about themselves so he doesn't but the problem is, he did and often.... a lot of personal stuff.

He tried to tell me I could find someone else out there who could replace him in my life, no, not easy for someone like me who can barely speak to people. He told me it was silly to want to be friends when I don't like driving and he lives far away, he tried to tell me that all the people online Ive ever read about who are friends with their former T's could be in trouble if he knew who they were etc...

Just last week he told me he would not change boundaries on me ever and then today was saying it all ends... I feel betrayed, even though I knew he would never agree to it, because hello, its me, nothing good happens to me, I didn't think he would play it off so casual like he was doing everything right.

I don't know if I can trust him anymore. I don't know if I can even look at him. How can I ever trust anyone else going forward? When he of all people, hurt me more than anyone has?

What do I do now? I feel suicidal honestly...I am trying to think of reasons to live and my dog is the only one I have.

How can he claim to care but then act so cold? Is it all fake? All an act? What on earth is the point of therapy when it's only causing me more pain than I ever had before?

I am not sure what to do anymore. Part of me wants to tell him off and never go back but then the other part of me, reminds me I always quit things when I get scared or it gets hard, so maybe I should try to stick it out.

Not sure what else to say here, I just wanna go to bed and cry..... and wonder why I was so stupid to believe he actually liked me and could potentially see me as a friend someday? When will I ever learn....