Thank you Cyran0.

You're right, I can't even begin to guess what's up with her either. She still hasn't called and I'm not calling anymore either. Not sure how I go from someone she can't stop thinking about to someone she doesn't want to talk to so fast and with no reason I can identify but it is what it is and I'm not going to become a pest.

The thing is the only way I convinced myself to persue a relationship with her is because of the type of person she was describing herself to me as. Somehow she gained my trust, a difficult thing to do with me in matters like this. One of the last things she said to me before I found out she was in the hospital was that she's not used to someone like me. Someone who wants to help, to be around her, to be open about being with her (her child's father didn't want anyone to know they were together, wonder why huh?).

As she tells it the father of her child is a terrible person. He hit her, he took her money for drugs, he slept around and never so much as got her anything for her Birthday, not even a card. He is wanted now for failure to pay child support. This a-hole even sent her $10 just before Christmas and called her to ask her to buy Geno (her son) a present and put his name on it. I did more for her and her Son in a week than he ever has! The night of the party, the first time we met outside work, I gave her money to buy the one present she really wanted to get him and couldn't afford!

As she grew ill (my dumb *** had no idea, I just thought she was tired) I would sit for hours and hours playing with her Son and keeping him occupied so she could sleep, and really enjoyed it. Further more, normally children don't like me. My own 2 and a half year old niece was scared of me until Christmas when they came to visit, I bought her a really cool toy and finally she started talking to me . Her Son loved me instantly though, it was so weird. She even told me that except for me, he has been terrified of any other man that's come over, not just to see her but anyone. She told me that he even runs screaming from his own father the two times he's seen him. The child has started calling me Daddy for God's sake, no joke. Now it's over? I dealt with my fear of being responsible for a child's life and let myself get so close to him and now that's it? OUCH!

I can't really run from her because we work together. She actually returned to work today so far as I know but I took today and tomorrow off. Because honestly, I don't know how to handle this! I don't know what I did. I don't know why we broke up. I don't even know that we did break up! She doesn't talk to me and I have no idea what's wrong.

F**K, if I get sick it doesn't enter my mind to break off a relationship because of it. That makes no sense to me. My brain is convincing it's self that's a BS excuse. To me, if I have someone who wants to help me through a tough time that's awesome and I don't want to lose them. She can't focus on me?! She shouldn't, she should focus on herself and her Son right now but why push me away? Let me focus on helping you too!

This is exactly why I avoid relationships. It doesn't make any sense to me. I was engaged to my last girlfriend. We were together for 5 years, lived together for 2, engaged for 9 months. The wedding got pushed back 2 months but it was already over I now realize. The break up consisted of her telling her parents and friends that I would not allow her to hang out with her friends. That is so not what happened. She informed me that she had started smoking pot again with these people and she was dropping a lot of money going to bars with them (while I struggle to pay rent and bills and avoid drugs). I told her that was unacceptable to me. That apparently constitutes being "controlling". She capped it off by telling me she thought she was pregnant and didn't know who's child it was. She told me this while she was drunk. I told her to come back home and we would get married and raise the child and never had to know who's it was, it was mine - end of story and she agreed. Well, she found out she wasn't pregnant so nevermind. I told her to never call me again.

Days later my job ended, my next job fell through and I didn't have the energy to line something else up. I let myself fail. God it was so bad. No job, no one to talk to about something like this, no car (mine broke down while we were buying hers so we just sold it because we couldn't afford to fix it). Oh my God, I went so long without sleep I would hallucinate voices! At one point I took 16 Unisom and still couldn't sleep. I made it through that though, but just to get here? OUCH AGAIN!

Well, I'm gonna make it through this too. I really don't know why I'm trying except that I have to. I got a job this time that I have to keep (at least I've learned that much, I have to keep money coming in). It's hard as hell and Friday scares the ***** out of me because I'll see her and be lost for words but it's coming no matter how I feel. I've gotta tighten up before then.

I realize I'm talking too much for anyone to read and respond but I think it actually helps me to type all this out. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and I can do that.