Reality is hitting me hard. I do have a mental illness.
I always claimed they just didn’t understand my world. I have been watching documentaries about bipolar, and it hit me- like a freaking train.
I started watching them after finding some old writings from the days before and during my full blown mania. I read it, and then I was like- how could you deny this for so long?? It hit me hard.
Watching the documentaries made me go all warm and cold inside again, I almost couldn’t watch anymore. Felt burnt and hit. Again.
And still I keep watching, it’s like I am trying to really hit myself with reality.
(Maybe I am afraid I will go back to thinking it’s them, not me…)

I miss my former T. He knew I didn’t want a label, he never gave me one. He said he wanted me to come back, so he didn’t want to square me in.
I have been manic in sessions, never depressed. Quit therapy. Six months later I was hospitalized by force. Still denying anything was wrong with me.

Getting a new T in about five weeks.

What I am? I am everything at the moment. Most of all embarassed, frustrated, and extremelly restless- in an annoying way.

*sigh*