One thing I have noticed is that even when my T doesn't think she has done anything "wrong," she still wants to fully explore what happened and how I felt and how I interpreted every part of the rupture and what connections I made to other things and what anxiety it brought up for me. And while she's doing that (honestly, sometimes I get exhausted during the process because it is so detailed), she is never trying to change my perspective or make a counterpoint based on her experience of what happened. She is just listening and trying to understand my point of view.

Sometimes not apologizing is pure stubbornness on her part, but often it seems like a sneaky T trick to keep me engaged with the issue and to keep me motivated to pour out all my feelings and reactions. I can think of a few specific situations where her apologizing right away would have cut off the opportunity for us both to learn from my reaction because it would have taken the wind from the sails of my (justifiable) self-righteous anger. There was one time in particular where she waited until I was over the incident (a couple of sessions, if I recall correctly) and then she gave me two specific pieces of information that filled in some necessary gaps about why she had done what she did. I had been feeling unsure if I could trust her, and that well-timed disclosure affirmed my decision to decide she was safe again. (The incident was not anything dangerous, illegal, or unethical -- just a small thing that temporarily made me see her in a different light.)

Anyway, none of this is to say that your T wasn't being tone-deaf in this situation (clearly she was!) but just that getting to a resolution even with a good, attuned T can be much more onerous and complicated than resolving a dispute with a friend or partner in everyday life. Only you can be the judge of whether this therapist can resolve things to your liking.