Today T said something that upset me. He said that the therapeutic relationship sometimes is very intense and intimate and at other times it "doesn't exist".
I couldn't get past it and i couldn't talk about it either, so a looooot of silence followed. Eventually I said this cannot be illusionary. That I can't invest this much in an illusion.
T said he doesn't see it as illusionary and his wording had been clumsy. He said he meant that it doesn't inhabit all spaces in our lives. I said no relationship inhabits all spaces in our lives. He agreed.
We talked about how I feel like I can switch off most attachments. Like I have a "detatch" button (which was protection in childhood) and I become vulnerable when I no longer have that detach button to hand. Like I don't right now with him. I reminded him that I always used to say "I could not come back and I would be fine" which was me reminding myself of my detach button. But it's not readily available any more and that makes me feel vulnerable.
We talked about a good realisation I came to this week about my marriage and he seemed proud that I had figured some important stuff out and discussed it with my husband.
Then we were coming to the end of the session and I said I will probably miss him again this week. He replied "I will think of you from time to time too" which felt awkward and an attempt to reassure me that the relationship existed to him outside the hour, which totally missed my point that the existence of a relationship is not dependent on thinking about the other or them inhabiting your life (to use his phrase).
I felt unsettled by this and sent him this email...

Okay, perhaps unsurprisingly it feels like there's a clarifying email coming on.
So to me, when I choose to care about someone (and I think that feels like a choice to me - it's about vulnerability, at least for me) that relationship is alive within me always. It's not about thinking about them or them inhabiting space in particular aspects of your life. For me, if you inhabit a space in my heart, you just do. All the time. That goes for you, H, the kids, my friends, etc etc. I don't have to think about them for that to be so. So for me a relationship that doesn't exist all the time just doesn't exist.
So at the end when you really awkwardly said something about thinking about me between sessions it kind of missed that point. I'm not asking that you think about me between sessions. That's nothing to do with me. I guess the distinction is whether the relationship is a reality for you. My feeling is that if it is, it exists regardless of whether or not you think about me.
I hope that adds some clarity. My missing you is mostly a byproduct of the transference I think. I don't see it as defining or strongly characterising our relationship. I hold that (mostly unconsciously) in my heart.
Best wishes

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