Just home from t's and eating dinner. I thoroughly enjoyed my session this evening. She noticed right off the bat that I've lost weight, she could see it in my face. (yay!) I talked about how that started a couple days after I was there last, that I found myself not having the urge/desire/need to eat so much and so often, after that last session on 1/4 where she let what I wanted matter (I didn't want to schedule, and I've said that before but she's always gotten out her planner book thing and tried to anyway, but this time we'd been talking about the maternal transference stuff and how what i wanted never mattered to my mom and how t activates that when i say i don't want to schedule an then she tries to get me to anyway, so that day she DIDN'T try to, and the next night I realized how much it meant to me that she didn't, that she let what i wanted matter, and i totally felt a physical something mending deep inside me) and after that was when i stopped eating so much. i said i think it was the psychological hunger that went away. now i eat when i feel physical hunger only. she was so amazed at that. said "we haven't talked about that before." i said well we have a tiny bit but not hardly at all. she said something else but i forgot what.

Then I talked some about all the events of last week, gave her a bigger picture than what she got on my short, tearful phone call Friday, and we worked on a couple of dreams, I told her about my class that started last night, she told me a little about a dream work seminar she attended last weekend, she told me that it felt like it had been a long time since I was there last (felt longer than the 4 weeks it's been) and she said she was beginning to wonder if she was going to hear from me again. I said well, so was I. she asked what i meant and i said well, i just felt happy, like i was doing well handling my life, tired from the overtime but happy. And i handled last week by relying on my family and friends at least until friday morning. she said she was very glad that i called. she said was it like you were wondering how you would know when to call? i said well not really, i just wasn't really thinking about it at all a lot of the time what with working so many hours and all. At least until the hospital thing kinda came to a head on Friday... oh yeah! I told her I took her advice about taking care of me and that I had texted my friend back who'd been asking all week what she could do to help and I told her she could help me relax and we got together and had some wine, a good dinner, and a lot of talk on Saturday night! She thought that was wonderful.

We talked more about h and my relationship, i told her it's felt different since the hospital thing, since he started feeling better, it's like he's back to his old self again, the "he's my best friend" self I used to know, and just in a few days our marriage is closer than ever. We're playing again, having fun together again, he's been expressing how much he appreciates me being there in the hospital with him every day, saying "I love you" again even which he hardly ever had been saying anymore. I feel like I've opened up so much as of last week - reaching out to my mom and my friends to get me through all of that, I have opened myself up so much in order to reach out and it feels so good i don't want to close up again. oh yeah also i told her i feel like i am seeing h as a separate person again, not as the h-and-art combo that we've been forever, but appreciating his separateness and mine too. I said I kind of had to pull myself out of the "us" that we'd become last week, because of having to also take care of the furnace repair and my car repair while he was in hospital. and i said i'm staying out!!

So, I really like this "as-needed" basis a lot. I don't have to feel pressured to schedule like when she'd always used to get out her planner thing. And I told her that I would call again after we get all the hospital bills paid. I fully intend to, at least, because I'll be able to submit receipts to insurance and get 50% back since our family deductible will have been met after we pay all of h's hospital bills.

So that was my session today. We hugged and said goodbye and then I left, not knowing when I'll see her again, and feeling completely good with that.