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Originally Posted by toomanycats
I just want to know if anyone else has ever experienced this, or if I'm taking things wayyyy too far/thinking wayyyy too much...
I have been in the midst of a difficult situation with my therapist as I have been trying to determine if he is safe to talk to about 'parts stuff.' We have frustratingly attempted to talk, but I couldn't get anywhere, because any time I began talking, two words in, I just...couldn't. Stuck in the conundrum of "I can't talk to you about 'parts stuff' until I know if you are safe to talk to about it; I can't know if you're safe to talk to about it unless we talk about it."
Anyways, point is...today, I woke up, and all of the barriers seemed to be gone. Like. I was just "I'm gonna get s*** done." I could talk freely about it, use words I couldn't get out of my mouth. And, the other parts, that I'm usually always hearing and who always also seem to be hearing what's going on out here and responding to it, were just...not. Not there. No sense of them. And I was able to handle miscommunications from purely this adult, logical, not personally attached level as if I was just there to negotiate the terms for someone else. Without little parts getting hurt. Without angry parts throwing out barriers. But, every once in a while, I became aware that I felt... "part-y" ... is that a thing?
And, so, even while writing this - it's like... I still feel.... "part-y" -- as if I'm talking about a situation that I worked out for someone else. But I don't feel like "not me." I feel like "me."
So, my question... 1. would "I" know if I were a "part?" (Can parts know they are parts when out? Can parts NOT know they are parts when out? This is so confusing.) and 2. Does anyone relate to this at all or am I speaking gibberish?
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I can not answer these questions in relation to what this is in you and all that in you.
what I can do is tell you about my own alters and I.
in me when it was like what you described my treatment providers called this integrating/ merging together to become one whole person again (in other words on the path to becoming no longer DID.
in me no my alters did not know they were called alters. you see my alters came into being before I was 5 years old. to them and me they were other people not alternate people. there was no alters thinking of them selves as not human, ... they took control of all physical functions and functioned just like a normal human being....
example rainy did not say or think of her self as an alter or part or substitute for me. she thought of herself as rainy. she performed just like any other child would ... change clothing, make a sandwhich and watch tv.
Thelma did not think of herself as just a part or substitute/ alternate to me, she thought of herself as a teen aged and young adult girl going out to a bar, having a drink and going on dates and having intimate time with those she found interesting and wanted to be intimate with.
even right before they merged together with me they did not say ok Im just the substitute (which is what the term alternate means) and its time for me to mix back together. it was just an natural blending of memories and emotions and so on... everything that she was became mixed together with me.
when I think about it now its only logical my alters did not think of their selves as my substitute/ my parts and my alters. when they were out so to speak the body was theirs the body arm moved when they wanted to move, the legs moved when they wanted to walk or other wise move the legs.....
my point is when I went into a preshool or on a playground to do my therapy work of wrapping my head around how young I was when my alters were created and the abuse happened to me I did not hear any pre school children, no child of any age on the playground say hey guess what Im not really a person Im an alter and this body had dissociative identity disorder. children just dont know those things like mental illnesses and what they mean. so its no surprise to me that my alters did not call their self DID and did not call their self terms like alters, hosts, protectors and so on. they called their selves little girls and Im this old and I like to do this and Im scared and so on. but they did not think or talk in terms of mental health terms. to them they were just like anyone else in this world.
again this is only how I and my own alters were. to find out your answers as they are in you, you will need to talk with your treatment providers. they will tell you how your alters talk about their selves when ever they have taken control during therapy when ever you have gotten triggered into having dissociation during therapy.