*All of this is probably triggering*

Every news reel about it, webpage or report just makes me long for that escape. I don't know why but suicide seems to be surrounding my every thought and dream. I read about it, I watch movies revolving around it... it's in everything I do anymore. It's to the point where it's obsessive.

I've been trying to get out of this mindset but all my attempts have been in vain. I don't know why I'm like this. It's bad enough that every suicide gets me jealous, like I don't have the balls to go through with it. If I'm not gonna do it, then why the hell am I still obsessing over it? It makes no sense. I'm just so tired of it all.... Why can't my life just end?