Yes, this is definitely abusive behavior. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this horrible treatment. I recommend you read the book In Sheep's Clothing by Dr George K Simon. It offers clear examples of the tactics abusers use to manipulate & control you. It also has practical advice for how to deal with it. Once you know the tactics and recognize when she's using them, you can implement the techniques he provides to handle it in a better way.
I encourage you to switch on a recording app on your phone when she is doing this stuff so you have proof of her abusive behavior. I don't recall if it was the UK or Australia, but one of those two recently changed the laws about emotional abuse by making it a crime. You might check with an attorney in your area.
Another book that helped me is Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. She walks you through the 6 stages of recovery-even if you have to remain in contact with your wife because of your children.
The sad thing is, abusers very seldom change, even with counseling. I've read a lot about this in the past year. Most authorities on emotional/psychological abuse say that marriage counseling doesn't work in these situations because it is NOT a normal marital problem, it is an abusive one. Marriage counseling can end up making things harder for you because your wife will learn new vulnerabilities of yours to exploit. And, because these nutjobs can be so damn charming, she may pull the wool over the therapist's eyes.
It is hard to leave a long term marriage, especially when there are minor children. However, it often doesn't leave you much choice. It will wear you down and erode your personhood, until you are just a shell of the man you once were. Your children will also be affected by her abuse, possibly for the rest of their lives, if they don't get professional help. They may become abusers themselves or prone to choose partners who will abuse them.
No one should be treated this way, by anyone, but especially not by the one who should always be in your corner supporting you.
I recently left my husband of 30 years because his emotional abuse took such a toll on me that I became physically impaired from the stress, and suicidal most of the time because I felt so trapped & hopeless. I'm much, much happier and mentally healthier now that I have left that toxic relationship. My son is grown. i wish i had realized years ago what was really going on, so I could have left to protect him from the damage he now suffers because of the abuse he observed in our marriage.
I hope you will find a therapist who can help you come to a healthy resolution. The kind of "love" abusers give isn't really love at all. It's about power and control over another person for the abuser's own satisfaction. It's a very twisted psychopathology that will only bring you & your children more and more pain.
Many men suffer from the same sort of abuse you do, but their "manly" pride stops them from seeking help. You are a brave man for reaching out. I'm sure you're brave enough to make the tough choices that will, in the end, lead you to lasting happiness.
You are not alone, even though it may often feel that way. We're all survivors here, and want to help & encourage each other.
I wish you all the best as you search for the best solution to this awful situation.