Thanks. He died a few years ago and talking about it now feels normal and ok. My kid and I are doing well.

I have not figured it out completely at all, but I do think bringing it to awareness that you have done it (assumed, or however you want to label) is a first step. I do remember that the easiest thing was to do it in T and to start with body language. I would say when I saw something, "hey, what's that funny look that crossed your face about?" As a bonus it made him kind of uncomfortable, like being on the hot seat. so he'd try to articulate what he thought I'd noticed.

With words, including saying that you need something else or it would be helpful for you to have X or do Y, I tried to derail my feelings-to-interpretations-or-freezing pipeline by starting when I was aware I had a strong reaction going on. Being "hot" in the sense of my emotions were on overdrive (for me, the hot part signals an overreaction). Notice the hot emotions and interrupt what I do (or freeze) with them. The emotions are information and like using the principles of a book I've read, can help me move forward.

I do think your T can be helpful with this. I've gone in afterwards to a session where something happened like you report (and what you did in your email) and tried to walk through and see the points where I could have done something different. T asked when I was kinda in the throws of some trauma work near the end of the session, something like "is there anything you need from me before we wrap up?" That's something we developed in talking about how to be more in-the-moment.

I think it's a kind of endless skill to work on. Life seems to give me numerous opportunities every day to practice making my interpretations of what others do as more benign.

Just a post-hoc recommendation: I've watched Mel Robbins' talk on the Creative Live website. It's a talk for "creatives" about changing habits to get over yourself (she might not pitch it exactly this way). About work, but so applicable to personal life as well. She says, you can't change the triggers but you can change the behaviors. I think you'd find it useful. The talks on the website stream for free at random times, or they can be purchased for a reasonable amount.