Hi all,

I had a session today with my therapist (who I have major feelings of paternal transference for) which left me feeling a bit...deflated and cold. It's never happened before, all of our previous sessions left me feeling cared for and warm etc.

Today my T seemed very matter of fact and to the point. He challenged some of my thought patterns and gave me an exercise to do at home...but he seemed very detached. I think the transference is the problem. I crave for a father figure to deal with unmet needs from my childhood, so naturally, any sympathy, look of concern, joke etc leaves me feeling elated. When he is more matter-of-fact/let's get down to business, I feel almost like he is an emotionally distant father. That, in turn, makes me feel like I've done something wrong/am unlovable. It's a massive trigger for me because both my biological dad and stepfather were emotionally distant or physically absent.

Today, in particular, I had a hard time getting my thoughts across to him and a few times he even said: "sorry, what do you mean?". I know it's probably nothing but I feel stupid and incoherent and weird. To make matters worse, as I was leaving I nearly bumped into his next patient who happened to be a young woman like myself with a pretty face and a warm smile. I immediately felt raging jealousy towards her..."what if he likes her better than me? what if he accepts her more than he accepts me? what if my problems bore him? what if he feels like I'm an attention seeking weirdo?" These thoughts left me feeling very bad as I was going home. The "what if he thinks I'm stupid" was at the forefront of my mind for the entire journey. UGH!!!!

He even said that he doesn't think my self-harm is that big of a deal as a coping mechanism. In a way, it felt nice because it made me feel like I am not as messed up as I usually think I am (which I think was his goal). But the child in me wanted him to be a bit more....soothing? I know it sounds crazy, but I craved it so much that I felt like slapping myself afterwards. He has been soothing with me before...he asked me to show him my arms when I first confessed about SI, and that made me feel like he had my back, like he cared about how I'm coping with things. It was the first time I felt seen by someone and I was honestly so happy I could have hugged him (I wouldn't dare to do it, he doesn't seem the hugging type. Also, professionalism, boundaries etc.).

I WANT to be more open with him, but I'm so terrified that he'll think badly of me that I often find it hard to even speak coherently. It's crazy! He means so much to me and he is my father figure (though he doesn't know it) yet at the same time, I am paranoid that he'll reject me or refer me to someone else if I own up to my weird feelings.

My T is trained in psychodynamic therapy, but he specialised in CBT. I know that CBT is meant to be more to the point and matter-of-fact, which make it even harder for me to open up about my feelings of transference towards him. What if he's freaked out by my confession? I know I'm overthinking, but I really don't want him to think badly of me.

What do I do? I hate not making the most of therapy because I'm being a wimp who is too scared to own up to how she's feeling. And now my skin is crawling with the anxiety I'm feeling about this. I didn't realise until I saw that girl that I wanted to be his favourite patient (writing this makes me cringe, when did I become so pathetic?).