wouldn;t you know that life had different plans for me that don't include choices i would like to have, even if they were hard ones. My life is not so much a mountain trail like perna described... somewhere i fell, or was pushed, into the raging river which runs through those mountains. Sometimes i cling to some rocks in a more shallow pool and i think maybe i can make it to the trail, but i never get that chance. i am washed away again... down the rapids, bashed against the rocks, pulled down in the eddies... into what rafters call a "drowning machine." (it's a strong cyclone style whirlpool which grabs you and sweeps you around and around, it is so strong that you can't swim out of it, you keep getting sucked backwards)

i seem to have little choice and all of this comes from external sources. i need to learn to swim before i can walk any %#@&#! trail (no offense, i'm just frsutrated).

so, instead of being able to take time to think through this issue with T and decide on a course of action (proactive i thot), i am forced to my knees.. or to continue the metaphor, i am dragged backwards into the drowning machine and must reach for the only lifeline i have, regardless of how i feel about the lifeguard.

i am forced into taking three sessions this week instead of cancelling friday to allow myself time to ruminate and decide. There was no malice in wanting to cancel, i wanted time to sort this out for myself. But no.. can't be allowed that.

i am beginning to think that life hates me. i seem doomed somehow and i don't understand. My deep beliefs involve choices and lessons, etc.. of course i must be doing things which keep this cycle going... but i have no idea what. i believe we come back, not as "I" as we know ourselves to be now, but as portion of another "I"... i don't quite believe in reincarnation in quite the same way as many do... but i do believe in bringing unfinished life lessons back with you... my god, what did i do or used to be? i feel that the portions of previous essences which make up who i am have brought some terrible pain back into this world when i was formed... i do not know how to complete their journey and release this pain.

i'm sorry... i dont want to make this a spiritual issue... so, put it this way, life is bringing the same lessons over and over because i don't get them... i need to know what these are and get them right somehow or this will come around again. In the drowning machine the keep to making it out alive is to allow oneself to get pulled down, not to fight the current... it will push you far down but then you get swept downstream and out of the whirlpool. i don't know how to apply that to my real life.

i will have to bring up the rupture(s).. but we cannot work on them right now. There is no time. Life crisis first. i will have to trust him for now, even if it is a reduced sort.

in three weeks from yesterday my life may be irrevocabley(sp?) changed. i may lose everything which is dear to me, everything in my environment may change. i may even lose PC. My home, my belongings, my schooling, my show, my food and shelter and medical care... my T as well. i may even lose the most precious things i have - my dogs.

if i can't learn life's lesson soon i feel like i'd be better off taking my chances on the next lifetime.

Dear T,
Please throw me a line to allow me some air. Tell me how to let the current take me away from this drowning machine... meet me at the quiet pool downstream. Bring a warm blanket, a towel and some food...help me gather my strength before i must face the waterfall nearby.

Please be what i need...for now.. please keep the bar low enough that i can reach it and feel good about that. We can raise it later when i am stronger.

i am in such pain and you are all i have. i am alone otherwise. Just listen and hold those thoughts, listen and hold me emotionally.. just for now. Be warm and be gentle. Just let me crawl until i can gather enough strength to stand.

just be there.