**drug and alcohol use in detail**



It may sound like an excuse but I think I am more impulsive then I've ever considered. I knew sometimes my decision making is haste but lately it's been ignorant. I received a large sum of money recently and have been blowing it all on stupid %#@&#!. Last night I was in town and down the shopping the strip was my favorite liquor store. I decided to go in there and buy a small fifth of Smirnoff and those little sample bottled box of Smirnoff too. I came home and started drinking with my husband and friend. After my husband went to bed, because he had to wake up early to go to work, I went over to my friends apartment. This is the friend that I've been avoiding lately trying to stay clean.

Well to make a long story short her and I sucked the vodka down and she convinced me to smoke some pot with her in my drunken state. Normally I can say no to pot because I'm losing my job and know I will need to be clean just in case I get drug screened again.

The pot smoking wasn't just some regular bowl, joint, whatever...she showed me how to smoke out a fog bong. I never seen it before and didn't realize how high it would get me. We smoked it and the next thing I know my hearts pounding in my chest and I feel like I'm panicking. I needed to lay down to avoid throwing up. The mixture of the vodka and the powerful hits of weed really messed with me.

As I laid on the couch trying not to puke and convincing myself I am not having a heart attack I realized it's not worth feeling like this anymore. Sure getting high and drunk is fun but it always ends up with me feeling like %#@&#! the entire next day. I was soooo panicked and guilty....and very paranoid.

It's not the first time I broke my sobriety to be honest. The other day I had a situation at work and spiked my Hawaiian Punch to make it through the day. By the end of my shift I was quite buzzed and messing up. I'm making bad choices.

I'm not sure what to do and how to do it. Maybe it's to late or I am hopeless. My drinking takes over and gives me artificial motivation. If I didn't lack in self esteem then I wouldn't need booze for bravery. I need some self fixing and understanding support from people who won't judge me.

Sorry so long, just worried about everything and disappointed in myself.