Heather, my dear... thank you so much for the compliment.

Since I posted this, you and I had a chat. Some of the pain I experienced was because I recognized places in my head (almost said "heart") that need change. But as you and I discussed, that wasn't the biggest reason, as you know. I'm with Heidu in what she said: "It opened up a big ugly for me and I knew it would. It actually showed me how far I have come. I didn't have the best childhood and I have really tried to make something positive of that by breaking the chain..." My "big ugly" is that I'm convinced that I have never felt that kind of love, especially not even from my own mother. That's the one huge boogaboo that I still have. No wonder there are places that still need that "sandpaper."

Just like you, Heidu, I've been holding back exploring that empty hole that I have. Seems lately, though, that there have been several catalysts that keep nudging me forward. I'm afraid, though. Very afraid! There's been enough pain in my life that I don't want to feel it any more... ever! Forgive me if I talk in circles here, you two. I'm not bothering to put my thoughts together. Maybe if it just comes out ...

My mother was raised by a very controlling, sick, twisted, abusive mother who was probably raised the same way. Whatever...!! At any rate, my mother was born with a physical handycap, which in her culture was reason enough for her to become her mother's slave for life. Somehow, my mother managed to marry twice. The first one didn't last. The second one lasted long enough for me to be conceived.

While I was growing up, my mother had a few suitors, but she never remarried because she didn't want to "put me in harm's way" with a man in the house. To make a long story short, I had been "in harm's way" since I was born, because the perpetrator was already IN the house... her mother. My mother wasn't allowed to live her life without her mother's presence.

I grew up knowing that I didn't meet my mother's expectations of me. She wanted to live her life vicariously through me. One of her favorite phrases was "You didn't let me make out of you what I wanted." Excuse me all to HOLY HELL!!! That wasn't her job!! When my mother passed away, I found her journals... poem upon poem about her "saintly mother." HA! I found one poem about me... how I had been such a total disappointment to her.

(crying... I can't do this any more... at least not now... sorry)

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>