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MzJelloFluff said:
i am in such pain and you are all i have. i am alone otherwise.

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Not to be sacrilegious, but what are we here?

You are not pathetic! We all get the lessons over and over again and none of us gets out alive having learned them perfectly first time. I just came up against one of my #1's my therapist of 18 years tried to get across to me and I still don't get it and am doing the same you're doing to no avail.

What happens TO us, we have no control over whatsoever. You can't dictate whether the sun will rise tomorrow or your landlord will try to throw you out for looking at him cross-eyed. One can't cause other people's responses to one's actions. Sorry, none of us are that powerful. If someone gets fired from their job, it's fine for the "other" side to blame the person getting fired but it was the job giver's choice that did the job taking away. If they'd asked the person whose job it was if they wanted their job taken away, the answer would have been "no" (unless they wanted to get fired and then they would have tried to take credit for maneuvering things so they'd get fired but still, they can't do their own firing, they can only quit).

I don't know what might happen to you in a couple weeks but there's libraries with computers to come to PC on, there's a future where things will change yet again. But you can only effect the things you do, not what others do so I wouldn't put all your hopes in your T! Yes, we want someone there with a towel when we come out of the drowning machine and it's wonderful to have someone there but it just takes longer to recoup if we don't but still, we recoup. Want what you want MzJello, with all your heart, but don't narrow your focus so that that appears to be all there is possible! Towels can come from many sources including a waterproof backpack you were born with. Look how far you have come (all uncomfortably I understand but still, you have travelled far!) all with only the backpack and swiss army knife you were issued in the beginning. You're a unique "portion" with that portion's tools and foibles. Check out the tools you've been using unconsciously.