Thank you Rose for taking the time to read my post and offer me understanding and good advice. I very much appreciate it.
I do know myself that I've done the right thing stopping the relationship, but all the same I've been feeling in such a mess that it does feel quite good to have someone objective reassuring me that it was the right thing to do.
You said I was a giver and another friend said this afternoon that I'm a 'pleaser' and I guess you're both right.
I hadn't really thought of it like that before.
That might explain why I'm feeling so empty. Like I've given all I have to give as I don't feel like I've been getting the same amount back.
I do see parallels in both relationships too, both out of balance, and me kind of having gradually turned into some passive person which I don't want to be. I felt like I'd become a shadow of myself.
I do realize this is something I need to change if I ever meet someone and get into a new relationship. I do find it difficult sometimes to say what I want, and that applies to family situations and work as well. And for some reason I have seemed to think that someone else's needs were greater or more important than mine. You were right about that too which I hadn't realized either.
I certainly don't want to make the same mistakes again.
Anyway, thanks again, and to the other readers for their hugs. It has helped a lot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
You are grieving the loss of the warmth you felt with your colleague. But I think you did yourself a big favor by ending it. Otherwise it would have become like the 17 year relationship that you left - trying to be close with a man who is not fully available for mutual commitment. Grief takes time to abate. You've only had a few weeks.
Though you like your colleague, don't imagine that you really know about his marriage. Try not to judge his wife. There is way more to that story than you know anything about. In your mind, he's a victim of a cold, controlling woman. That image was painted for you to serve a purpose. It's not the whole story. Sure there may be truth to it, but understand there is a lot you don't know . . . a lot. That man is staying in that marriage for more reasons than just his kids and the church. That rationale about the kids is way too convenient. Don't let yourself be used.
When you find yourself longing for the warmth of this man who is a good cuddler, ask yourself about his faults. I bet you find it hard to think of anything. That's not because he doesn't have faults. You don't really know him. In your mind, you've idealized him. He seems to be everything your ex wasn't. Beware of letting yourself be used. You have a tendency to give more than you are given to.
Putting distance between this co-worker and yourself was the mature thing to do. You did make a rational decision. Sometimes the brain has to overrule the heart. Give yourself credit for that. It is awfully difficult.
There are parallels in the relationships you had with both of these men. Both of these men kind of wanted to have their cake and eat it too . . . at your expense. You sound like a giver. They were each exploiting that. I know you don't want to think of your colleague in that light, but I'm afraid the shoe fits. You're very quick to understand someone else's need. Your needs have to matter as well.
Distraction is often the best thing you can do to get through grief. The mind can't really think of two things at once. So do immerse yourself in other activities, as you are doing. I'm sorry for the loneliness you feel. That is hard. However, you are now available for other relationship opportunities. There is a void in your life. It feels empty. But that is the space that has to exist to provide room for something better. I hope you find it.
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