Well it's been a minute since I've been inspired to discuss therapy. Today was my first session with New T.

He started asking about goals. What measurable and observable ways am I going to be able to measure progress toward those goals.

Then he asked about my therapeutic history. Told him about RoboT briefly, and he asked what about that relationship went awry. I described it as the perfect storm. Too much self disclosure, my transference, the retirement, etc. He said he'd never really talk about himself and that he was always willing to discuss any transference or countertransference that may arise.

He did a genogram. I think he was surprised by how few people I felt were important enough to include.

Then we went through a light touch trauma history. I mentioned my prior psychiatric stuff, and he asked me about diagnosis. I said I'd never been diagnosed with the same thing twice, who knows, etc. He asked what RoboT diagnosed me with and I said I didn't know for sure, he filed insurance as MDD, but I know a lot of therapists won't actually put their real thoughts on an insurance form. New T said he'd probably do the same, but that he felt like a diagnosis can be helpful to guide treatment and the conversation. Which makes sense to me.

I don't remember how but he started talking about his process. That it sounded like I may use intellectualization as a defense mechanism and that he'll be trying to push me past the hypo feeling state. I said that something else RoboT did that was bothersome is how he'd let me leave super emotional and then I'd hurt myself. I got really anxious. He asked if he was right to detect a shift. I said yes.

So he pulled a tissue out of the box and handed it to me. "Tear this tissue into 16 squares," which was annoying because I'm such a perfectionist. He kept reassuring me that I was doing well.

Then he asked if I could arrange the squares from largest to smallest, which was too much, I said no.

"That's fine. But are you thinking about what we were talking about a minute ago? That's a grounding exercise that I like.

Now that you've told me that you've struggled with the emotions in the past, I'm going to ask you every time at the end if you're okay to leave. If you're not, I'm not going to let you leave here and hurt yourself. Even if that means I need to push appointments, I'll do it."

I took a deep breath and he asked how it felt to hear that. I said good but that I don't want to cross boundaries.

We talked a little about my anxiety about H and I starting fertility treatments. That I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with the mood fluctuation. I wish I could remember what he said to that.

Then we went into housekeeping. He said email was bad, phone was good. I laughed and said I'd probably never call. "even if you were thinking about hurting yourself? No? I would want you to."

He looked through my intake paperwork and asked about impulsivity. I make big decisions without thinking sometimes. Then he was asking about repetitive thought. I said sometimes. That sometimes I struggle to take in external stimuli because I'm engulfed with internal thoughts. He said he wanted me to this other screening and it's about dissociation. I didn't think I dissociated often but I'm looking at this screener and maybe?

Paid, scheduled for next Friday. I like him, which makes me anxious. I haven't had a good picking instinct when it comes to therapists.