I'm sorry.

I felt like my first therapist screwed me up kind of badly. But I've had some decent therapists since then. I wish I had left her sooner though.

I am wondering though if this feeling you have of your therapist traumatizing you is recent, or has it been happening on and off for 5 years? The reason I ask is that you mention that you seem to be going through another depressive episode. I know sometimes when I have those, I'm not thinking clearly, and might not always interpret what the therapist is saying very well. But I also know that a bad interaction, or pattern of interactions with a therapist can actually trigger an episode.

If you don't go back to therapy, do you have other people you can talk to?