Monday 1-26
Leading up to session I had an interesting discussion with a friend that I wanted to share. Then I ended up in an impromptu meeting for work. As this meeting started to approach three, I started to try to get off the call. They were still going strong. At 10 mins to 3, I told them I had to go. I still needed to get changed, put the dogs out, and do oral care.

As I was getting ready, started feeling some love for you, connected to you, and some sadness. I wanted to try and stay in that headspace. I went looking for something to take with me that would help. I didn’t find anything, eventually I decided to just leave. I contemplated which coat. I decided I could just wear a sweater since I was driving. On the drive in, I kept playing with the radio because the songs did not work for me; allowing me to stay connected to feeling little. I start thinking about the words we used the last time you took vacation. I wondered if you remembered them. I wondered if I needed you to say them.

I got your office about 20 minutes after three. I parked in your parking lot. I went around the corner, up the stairs, through the doors, and down the stairs. I got the bottom of the stairs and was a little confused. I got lost as to what to do next. I ended up pausing there for a minute. My body wanted to go in the waiting room but I knew I needed to do something else. I needed to push the button – ah yeah, I went over to push the button. Still confusion, oh, there’s your button. I pushed it and went into the waiting room. Somebody else already there and sitting where I usually sit. I sat at a chair further in the room, the same one from last Monday and proceeded to get everything needed out of my backpack. I arranged the journal sheets in my notebook. While looking through my notebook, I saw the photo of the filing cabinet. I pulled it out and put it on the front of the notebook so it would be more with me. I pulled out my phone and got the photo my leg ready. I pulled out my other phone and started reading a post on the forum. I finished reading a long post and checked the time. It was one minute to go in your earlier person still had not left. I thought maybe you didn’t have an earlier person. A few moments later the earlier person came out and went right up the stairs. You came out and used the restroom. While you were in the restroom, the therapist with the door to the waiting room, came out and got the other person. You came out to get me. You had high energy, smiles, hi… hi… I wanted to stay in the earlier headspace, at the same time was easy to want to just put it off to the side; wear the mask. I could be happy with you, just talk.

I followed you back to the office. I came in and moved the pillow, I put my backpack down, and sat down. I don’t remember if I asked how your weekend was first or showed you my leg. I think I went right to the leg. I pulled up the photo of my leg from this morning and handed you my phone. It was clear that my leg is doing much better. We talked about much better it was; so much better that where it was before. I told you I could still feel the seromas. They were right under the skin. I told you that they were not very large. You asked me if I could fill in my leg. I said that I can feel them when I touch my leg. I said that my leg used to fill the big one when it was large.

You handed me back my phone and I set aside. I asked you how you’re doing and how your weekend was. You said it was… you hemmed and hawed… paused and then said it was good. You asked me how my weekend was. I paused. I thought it wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad. I was both different times. Eventually I said it was a roller coaster. You said up, down, and you motioned to the circle that whatever that’s called, curliest Q. It was funny because you did the circle motion with your arms, I was already thinking the curliest Q.

I started to say something about being playful this morning with one friend, that I wasn’t sure if I was playful with another friend. I restated that I was playful and joked around with the one friend first thing this morning. Then I said that I was feeling that twentysomething man while I was showering. I was feeling happy and comfortable.

I said that later in the day I read the friend’s response to my Thursday session notes. I had written in my notes about not asking for help with your vacation trip. I had said that it wasn’t a matter of not being able to ask but I just didn’t know what would help. I told you that the friend suggested to circle the troops/parts. You said campfire. I said yes and said that I wondered if that was enough of a back story. I pulled out the chat between the friend and myself.

I reread the first bit and confirmed that I had shared enough of a back story. I handed you a copy of it and I had a copy. I said I didn’t know how to go through this. I wanted you to go through it. You didn’t know either. I said I wasn’t sure if I want to read it out loud because it wasn’t the same as before. It really didn’t have anything to talk about from an analyzing actual discussion way. I wanted you to have information that was in it. I thought there was some really good things in it but it seemed kind of long to have you read it. I just sat there for a minute trying to figure out how to go forward with it. Eventually I just started reading the first section. It was something I had posted. You asked if I wanted you to read the friend’s part. I indicate yes so you did.

We continued through the discussion reading each other’s parts. I was embarrassed about the stabbing you with the pencil part. Several parts embarrassed me. I had shared dialog before, never in this way with something between this friend and myself. I wondered what you thought of our interactions.

I got to the line about trying to be big. I paused us here. I wanted to talk about the concept of being big. I talked about it. I don’t remember what I started with. I know I said that it was hard to be big, hard to leave. I said stuff like not wanting to be big and that it wasn’t fair. I didn’t say that I was just a kid/child. You asked me something and I responded with be an example. You said big sister. You say stuff about it not being fair and it is ok to be angry. These words are not reassuring me today.

I wasn’t able to go with this. It felt fake or forced. I was fighting with myself, inside myself. I was feeling what I felt; what I was saying. At the same time, I thought analytically about what was being said, what it really pertains to or was about. I said I didn’t want you to go I think you said you knew. I was getting frustrated at the tug of war inside myself and I said something about this not being about you. You asked me to clarify. In my mind, I could see it. I could see myself being that 3-4 yr old child and mommy telling me to stop crying, it was time to grow up, that big girls don’t cry. I think, big girls are helpers. I don’t remember these as memories. I just see it. It’s equivalent to a fantasy, it’s an example. The first memory of those types of thoughts are not from 3-4. They were there at 7, 10, 13, all the time.

I tell you I don’t want to be big. I say something about you going on vacation; about you leaving. I said I don’t want you to go. I think you said you knew. I said I needed you to take care of me. You said you knew. Somehow the concept of needing something in case something bad happened to you was said. I think you said it in response to something I had said. I said that I needed you to take care of me but you won’t. You asked me something, you questioned this. I became quiet and withdrew within contain. Several different thoughts started going on and I shook my head no. After a few moments, a raise my head I said something about shutting it down or closing it off. You understood. You said something about being too painful and I shook my head no. I said that I wasn’t it was painful.

When talking with a different friend about it later this is what came out:
It was confusing. I couldn't stay with the free association of feelings. I was feeling these things about your trip and yet talking about it as if it was if was little and home with my mom. I could almost see the situation with my mom; like I was a fly on the wall there and seeing a scene there and feeling things, blending things between that imagery and your trip. It somewhat felt like I was trying to force the 2 together or something. It just started feeling ridiculous. I am not a child, you are not my mom, this is not then. I felt it was ridiculous to be upset in the now, that this is not then. I just kept trying to shake it all, stay with the feelings between you and I. I couldn’t. It was confusing. I feel lost and yet stable, almost non-feeling stable. The friend said something about me being triggered by big memory or something. I continued with saying it was more than just being triggered and being all upset about something that shouldn't really upset me. It was like being in both places at the same time. It was just weird, confusing, and I couldn't keep going forward with the session. Not really. I ended up shutting it all down. I could talk and interact with you, there wasn't much feeling. And I would just smile at the random times - not because something funny was said, just the absurdity of it all (life).

Back to session notes…
I was angry or the anger was starting. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, tears just wouldn’t come. Some more was said. I don’t know what. Then you asked me, you said that you had something you want to talk to me about. You were unsure about bringing this up at this point. You wanted to make sure that I had space to talk about whatever I want to talk about. I said that I couldn’t be sure that I’d be open to whatever you had to say, but not talking about it now that it was said, probably won’t go well.

The anger really hit, I knew I wasn’t really mad at you. I was closed off and I let you know that I was not in a good spot but I needed you to go forward. You said that you wanted to talk to me about maybe doing a video visit on the week in February. I’m not sure if I chuckled here or not as I’ve written about you talking about that in future ones but not in the one in February. You said that you can’t always offer it; you could this time. I didn’t really respond yes or no, whatever. You said that we could talk about it. We had some time. I was angry I wanted to say no we don’t need to talk, we don’t need to have a video visit, I don’t need to see you. I don’t remember how I responded to this. There was a pause.

Eventually, I said that I could talk to you about what happened with a friend and personal trainer. I could easily use them as distractions. Did I want to use them as distractions? I was cut off and emotions were away – well I was angry. Somehow, we start talking about the anger. You asked me to describe it. I said it was like a hurricane, tornado, windstorm. You said it is a destruction. I said yes. You said there were similar but different tornado is more what it feels like. You asked me if I felt I was in the eye of the storm or outside the storm looking at it are on the edges of the storm. I said the storm was in me. You asked me where I felt it. I said core. I feel it in my chest and up to my head. My arms and my legs are part of it but they’re kind of more what happens when I let go of it; if I can’t keep it contained within. Then I get active destroy things. You said something about being held together by my skin. Held inside with my skin, suggests pressure to hold it inside. You described how I held my hands; how I cinched them, relax, and cinched them as the pressure fluctuates inside myself. I talked about how I grind my teeth. You said something about seeing it jawline. I said that that’s to keep me from talking, screaming, and yelling. It also keeps me from saying things that I don’t really mean or having things I don’t really want to have happen. I wanted to tell you to forget a video visit and not quite so polite words. I wanted to act out. I didn’t want to lose the option of a video visit, I didn’t want to appear ungrateful and lose what was being offered or have something taken away from me. You can always lose more than what you think you are risking when you are angry, when you act out.

We talked about something else in here before my watch went off. I was aware that your time was up. I pulled out my lab work and gave it to you. I summarized it and how it basically didn’t really tell us much very helpful. I told you that Dr. V. increased my thyroid. You asked me how much and I said that right now I was doing 75 and 90 alternating days and will increase it to 90 straight across. I told you that he did say that the low estrogen and testosterone mind may be causing the hot flashes. I asked you about wanting to know how low the estrogen has to go in order for you to get past the hot flash stage of menopause. You said you don’t know, can’t answer it. I said yeah, I read that it’s not quite so straightforward; lots of factors involved. I said that I still would kind a like to know how low do I need to get it. I told you that I had written about some of this - that I knew the stressed played a role in it, food, genetics, and lifestyle and this and that. You kind of smiled and started to say something, you made a sound. I don’t remember what it was but it was clear that you were thinking something. I asked you to share. You were not going to. I ask you again what are you thinking and you just smiled and said that anything with hormones is complex. You said something else that I took as you never really get a clear picture of what’s going on with hormones because it’s like trying to put together a puzzle in which the pieces are always changing (your words there). Your hormones are always in fluctuation. It is frustrating on this side of the equation to be the person having the fun the hormonal changes.

Our time was up I didn’t want to go. I said something about the personal trainer. I told you it was all in in the journal, then I give you a brief summary of it. I told you about feeling blown off. You said something about me and depression, sadder, down or something made me think about how I felt I was too depressive for the personal trainer. That’s what got me thinking about and got me telling you about the voice that brings my “too much, too depressive, too much sad, that people don’t like me because of being sad”. You said something about it being hard to talk back to that voice. There is no talking back to that voice, the voice is true.

Our time was up; time was really up. I packed away my stuff. I struggled with getting my notebook back in my backpack. Eventually I got it in there. We sat up it was time to say our closing. I didn’t want to say I love you. I wanted to say that I didn’t want to go, don’t make me go. I took a couple of breaths. Couple more. It took me a while to get to talking.

me: I love you
you: I know

I paused. You said something about having comfort in knowing that you know. I said I didn’t want to go. You said, “I know”. I said I feel like I am not allowed to live outside. You clarified the room and said something else here. I indicate yes, in the room. You thanked me for living inside the room. You thanked me for being me. I think you even said sad me. I’m yelling at myself to get up, move, time to go. I don’t want to go. I cried a few tears and wipe them away my face. I picked up my backpack. You said something about Thursday. I’m trying to tell myself three sleeps. It doesn’t make it world the difference. You’re gone, I’m gone. I start walk to the door and I say that I was dressed grr animals. You’re puzzled. I said don’t you remember the grr animals. You think, and you say you don’t remember. I said in the late 80s early 90s, so actually we’re much too old for it, grr animals came out. Remember the tags on the clothes so that you know what matched. It kind of rung a bell for you; you kind of remembered grr animals. I said that I realized it when I was sitting in the waiting room for you and found it amusing. I opened the door and headed out. I touched filing cabinet as I walked through the doorway. I turned back to close the door. Again, goodbye see you Thursdays. I closed the door and I touched the filing cabinet for a moment. I could have sat down right there but I had to go. I couldn’t be there when you open the door. I’m angry that it’s out in the hallway. Have to go, have to go now plays in my head. I leave quickly not running. I get to the car. I want to break down but I need to leave, to drive home. I’m angry at you I repeat in my head “I hate you I hate you I hate you”. Throughout today’s session you talked about the anger, you told me it was okay that was unfair. I don’t believe it. I’m a grown adult not a child. Life’s not fair. This is totally fair to your life. You owe me nothing but what you already give me. You already give me more than what you owe. You go well and beyond your job. I feel guilty for needing that, wanting that.