First - I love the quotation in your signature space. I have a sort of philosophical mantra of “I did what I did and I have no explanation or excuses so can I just say that I’m sorry and let’s move on?” The “you have what you have” can be educational. When I get into some discussions, I’ll start by saying, “I come from a privileged white, male, upper-middle-class background, so let’s move on.”

Because I’ve found anger to be cathartic during the past couple of years, and maybe because I am (this word is new to me) elderly, I don’t have rage episodes these days. Even when I did (24-29-years-old?) I never thought of hurting myself... had I grabbed knives I would have been all Kiddo on others. I called them ‘sudden outbursts’ so I can relate to your 0-100 metaphor.

I think that if the younger me had been in the situation that you describe, I would have felt that others were ganging-up on me. Taking sides against me. (I don’t know what it’s like to have a sibling - and I have a sensually pleasurable feeling if others are wearing my clothes, using my pen, touching anything that belongs to me, so I can’t understand your sister’s reaction.) I had my last rage episode on Christmas Day, 2016. I was in a non-psych ICU and would not stop screaming or attempting to pull out and off the tubes and crap. I thought (I still think) that the two male nurses were sadistic basterds - rather than medically calming me I was restrained by six people -> and the bruising was fierce.

You know... I can’t fault you. Not for your initial rage episode (when rage and anger are being discussed? And those very issues are exacerbated?) not for the following (not the knives, though; a classic BPD effort, but not me) after hearing your family discuss you.

Way, way back, I was prescribed Thorazine as an antipsychotic and it helped quell my rage episodes. I’m on a buttload of antipsychotics, now, but I think that it was depression and aging that stopped the rage.

So.

Are you on any antipsychotics? I agree with your therapist - that’s a classic, textbook BPD episode. It concerns me that you fear that you might harm yourself or others. If I voiced that concern to my therapist I would be bound and gagged and be off to the psych ward. If I were you I wouldn’t flippantly say those words - only if you mean them (and, if you do mean what you’ve written, I would voluntarily ask for admittance).

You have a mental disorder and you should, even whilst raging, try to keep in the back of your mind, somewhere, the ‘actions have consequences’ meme. I should disclose that I suck at keeping that meme in mind. I began spending on my already overdrawn checking account this morning, after my disability check was deposited, and I’m $1,100 overdrawn, now. But I’ll have boxes and boxes arriving throughout the next week. I haven’t reached the regretful stage, yet. I can’t pay rent or utilities - the latter two already overdue.

Maybe the back-of-your-mind crap will work better for you.

It’s only lately that I’ve tried to understand branches of cognitive science beyond linguistics, having some knowledge of philosophy and having a history of psychological disorders. The things that I’ve written might be psychotic garbage. The things flying in my brain certainly are. If other BPD people can identify with your experience, if we can imagine ourselves behaving exactly how you behaved, if we read of astonishingly similar behavior, are we able to say that the behavior is unique to the situation or that our disordered behavior is expected, predictable and not the fault of ego/me?

I’m rattling on. Sorry.

I’ll ask, again: Are you taking any antipsychotic medications?