I'm thinking out loud here, but feel free to respond.

I need to put this out somewhere. *Sometimes*...I get so lonely and wanting sex at the same time. Its like physically painful. I'm also sick of thinking about jerk guys from my past, when I think about sex. Last year around the end of November, I decided not to date for a year. There were a few reasons why. Mainly because it was bringing me pain. But not being with someone also brings me pain.

I deserve to be happy and be in a relationship. I need to honor the balance of my feelings too: 1.) I want sex and closeness 2.) I don't want to give any kind of jerk the time of day. They do not get my attention. Not even in online messages.

I *am* wondering if there's a right and wrong reason to date. I was wondering. Now though...I think.....being lonely, horny, and just wanting to be with someone because its a natural thing, makes sense to want to date.

By dating, I mean online. I mean putting my profiles back up on the free sites. I can't afford the good sites. I KNOW that this may not be a good idea, and that it will stress me out more. Maybe I SHOULD pay for a good site. Like Eharmony, or match. I lean towards Eharmony. I don't want to do this impulsively. I will think about this. Maybe I'll ask my parents for money. I'm looking for a job, and planning career-wise for the future. But in the meantime, they help me out. I also get very small disability payment.

Edit: I just thought of something. What if I rewarded myself for getting a job by then going on Eharmony?
In the meantime, I could find ways to soothe myself from these really uncomfortable feelings. I really do think DBT could help me. I could make a list of things that soothe me, and then do them at times I feel like this.