thank you guys and yes, i am sorry, i have you folks. PC has come to mean a lot to me.. what i meant of course was RL people, right here people. The good friends i have live far away, PC peeps can't hand me the tissues... all i have are virtual peeps, by phone or by net. He's the only real life peep.. and please remember, he is the ONLY person i am complete with.. no one, absolutely no one else in the universe who gets a whole representation of me. i have not told him everything about me, but he gets a whole picture when i am there. No one else ever gets that. So, in a sense he is all i have.

perna, your advice and sharing is very wise and not falling on deaf ears i assure you. i appreciate the encouragement and acknowledgement... the rest is appreciated but it's more than i can use right now. My vision is fixed on the short term right now. Survive the drowning machine and then re-assess

it means more than i can express that peeps here say they have seen positive changes in me over the past few months. It is valuable to me in a deep way. i don't get a lot of encouragement or kudos in my life.

thanks mouse thanks mckell

you guys are going to die... i saw T and we focused on the crisis obviously.. i didn't outright cry, but i was weepy - which is a new thing for me with T. He was very good with me in a gentle logical way, because logistics are vital right now... he even wrote notes, something he never does.

but...

at some point i told him i had to bring up something important but i did not know how. i kept saying i wasn't trying to criticize him. i told him how i had been feeling about him and what happened tuesday. i explained just how what he had done had resulted in me feeling shot down and dicouraged. i told him i understood the influence of the triggers involved but that what he did was a thing in itself.... and...

he apologized.

he understood exactly what i was trying to explain and why i felt that way. he was very genuine and was sorry about how it had affected me. He said he would watch this, and his timing.

he said, and i agreed, that he had no intention of hurting me or shooting me down... no intention of neglecting the good stuff... i knew this but so hard not to feel it. We almost said at the same time that he is sometimes so excited or enthusiastic about something that he wants to jump on the cart and take it as far as he can... which i understand... and i can understand the good intentions, but it's not how i can do things. i just can't.. it's not me. Doing that will scare me away...push me away. i even told him i had wanted to cancel tomorrow originally because i had felt so bad and had wanted to think..

the talk overall went very well i thought. he made a lot of effort to be more encouraging... he openly recognized the significance of what i had tried to do, and what i was doing... he told me he was impressed that i took the risk to bring this up, and how i hadn't just closed him off. He knew i was doing this differently... that everything i am doing now with him is new for me.

i left feeling ok with him again. i still worry about it happening again.. it is so terribly painful. This sort of mistake is the worst he could make with me... but he knows that now... so we shall see.