Thursday's Session:
I was running a little late from work I got caught up talking with a friend working with her on her session and I still need to finish up last sessions notes. At 4 o’clock I told the friend goodbye. I finished the editing of the last session notes and printed off your copy of the journal. I packed up, got changed, and headed out. I wanted to be more comfortable clothing if we were to be on the floor. As I was driving to session I debated about stopping at the toy store for these cars that I’d seen in the summer. It looked like I had enough time so I stopped. They didn’t have any of the cars. I was okay with that. Sure, I had wanted them, I wasn’t upset that they were sold out. It was a longshot to begin with. I continued to your office and got there 4 minutes before session. I parked, went around the side, through the doors, down the stairs, push the button and into the waiting area. No one was in the waiting area and that was nice, I was able to use the space I prefer.

I rearrange my stuff, got my notebook out, and was attaching my coat to my backpack when you came to get me. You startled me. I had my back to the door. You said hi. I said hi and I grabbed my stuff. I turned around to find you in all-black with a short sleeve shirt; that was new. I think you were not wearing glasses today. It’s funny, I can remember when you do wear glasses but when you don’t, I’m not sure if you did or didn’t. For some reason I think you were not wearing them today. You reset the button then we headed back. I went into the office set my backpack on the couch and paper sack on the floor. I sat down in my usual spot. You close the door and sat down.

We sat there I would look at you, at the floor look, at you. I took some breaths I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about. I didn’t know what to say. More breaths, you breathed. These were like sighs. I was trying to calm myself and relax. Finally, I said hi. You said hi. I pulled out the boxes from the bag and set them on the floor between my legs. You responded positively to see in the boxes. I said something about first time bringing them. I proceeded to tell you my morning. I said how this morning and wanted to bring them so I pulled them out the cupboard. And I set them on the floor, I sat my chair just like this. I told you how I wanted to bring them and how I thought that it was your stuff. I told you that I thought about putting them away and bring something else. I grabbed the collage supplies. I thought this wasn’t what I wanted. I want to bring the cars so I packed the cars up, the collage supplies, and I looked around for something else to bring anything else. I joked about being Boy Scout ready for anything. You laughed that. I looked at the boxes and at you. I said your stuff. You acknowledged my stress about your belongings.

I left the boxes between my legs and proceeded to talk about something else. I said something about last session and how disconnected I’d been through the week. I said that it wasn’t that I didn’t feel things just that they were fleeting. I’d feel something for little bit and I would go back to feeling nothing, connected to nothing but I did feel things. I brought out my journal I told you that I wanted to read you what it come from talking to the about Monday’s session. I was having trouble reading it. The letters were all blurry. I worked my way through the section. You acknowledged how confusing, how hard it must have been. I made some comment about not being able to articulate what was going on for me at the time. You said that nobody could. Your body language was very relaxed, supportive, and helped relax me around talking about this. It seems that we talked about this a little bit more about it. I don’t remember.

I told you that I needed to go there, I need to get to that emotional place with you on this topic, but I keeps stopping short. You said there was time. I said something like “yeah your vacation is going to happen”. You acknowledged that your vacation was going to happen. You asked if I decided on the video visit. I laughed I said I was so angry at last session. I paused. You waited. Again, I said I was so angry. After a moment, I said I was angry at you offering the video visit. I said part of the closing down, cinching up, was to make sure I didn’t say something that I can’t take back. That I don’t say something that would result in me losing whatever was being offered, or have an even more taken away from me because of being ungrateful. So, keep it tight inside. You said something about pressure. I think that’s what you said. You continued talking, I don’t remember what you said. I continued talking about having things taken away. Several brief statements. I don’t remember exactly what I said, just that if you speak up or act out in anger, you could lose more than just the right here now.

I told you that I knew why I was angry at you for offering the video visit. It was because it wasn’t what I wanted. I want you not to go. You said something in understanding and support. I said I didn’t want to tell you “no” now because I might want to say “yes” later. You were puzzled by this thought process. I said something about not being able to change my mind. You questioned/challenged that. I suggest that I could probably change my mind up to the 12th. You started to counter that some. Really once I say “no”, there’s no changing my mind or I should say there’s no acting on a change of mind. I will give my answer and I will have to live with the consequences. Right now, I can’t see how I’ll be feeling that day. You’re still puzzled by this concept of not changing my mind. We don’t talk any more about it.

I indicated that I’m not mad anymore about offering the video visit. I said I still want to say no. If I don’t know why I want to say no. I mean really video visit or nothing seems pretty stupid to not take you up on your offer. I tell you that I don’t think it’s because I am intruding on your life and I don’t feel guilty your offering. Maybe there’s a little guilt, a little embarrassment. I told you that it was something else. I said maybe because of trying to put some distance between you and me. You said something about trying to protect myself. You asked me how I felt about protecting myself. I don’t remember answering your question. It does fill like that is what I’m doing; doing it to protect myself.

Something was said about your trip and my stressor of if something bad happened to you. I think this is when I remembered my dream. I told you about the dream in the nebulous way. I said I wrote about it and try to come up the words without actually telling you the dream. It was embarrassing, I can’t do dream stuff. Finally, I said that you know that I wanted something, needed something, or something was important to me and you did the opposite. This was not exactly what the dream was but kind of, and I told you that I figured it was all about this whole something bad happened to you situation. Laughingly, I said something about how in the dream, you knew how important this was to me. You seem to laugh at it, as well, and made some comments in line with what I was saying. I said that I knew that you are just giving me space to figure it out what all it means. You smiled maybe nodded.

There was a small pause and I am not sure exactly what was said or for how long there was a pause. Eventually, you said something about us talking about the details of the fantasy. I said something like I had told you about the details of the fantasy and that the fantasy was in great detail. You laughingly said that I had written about it but we had talked about it. Even the laughter in today’s session was relaxing fun nice. I took it all with the humor in warmth companionship, maybe not the right word something along those lines though. I said I was embarrassed about the fantasy.

We talked about this for a while. We talked about the space being important thing goodbye to. I said that the things there are one element of it. Then I brought up the point of being able to say goodbye to the space gives me a way to say goodbye to you while respecting your family. That’s kind of a dead weight of a statement right there. It seems like there was a moment there after that statement at the same time it doesn’t. I think we kept talking. That statement is the crux of one element. I think it was here that I started crying.

I’d rather say goodbye to you in person. I said compromise. Saying goodbye to the space would allow me to say goodbye to you too because you’re part of the space. You understood this and talked about us breathing the same air; going through the same door; touching the same things; touching the same floor. When you said the part about touching the same floor, I thought about our feet on the floor. My feet on the floor and a line to your feet. A connection being connected to you. I said something about having a person that knew you with me in the space to talk to about you as I go through this process is also important.

Somewhere in here I brought up the concept about being in the messy middle. I can see some light over there, some light over there, and sky at times. I am still in the messy middle. If something bad happens to you, I’ll be in messy middle. I said that I would be okay. I’d be sad and I angry. Ultimately, I’d be okay. What worries me most is how I would be okay; how would I get to being okay. The thought is that I would return to what I used to do to get by. You acknowledged this. I don’t remember exactly what you said here. We talked about the process being hard and the amount of pain. You said something about me wanting to continue on the path. Yes, I do want to figure out how to live, how to be happy again.

As we started to wind this topic down, you said that what you got from the discussion was that it is very important that you pick the right person. That I can trust that you would pick someone that would take care of me. I said that wasn’t quite it because as I was listening to you, I was thinking, I trust that she’ll pick the right person. I said something that clarified that I was talking about if you had a plan. You responded to me with a question that I heard as “do you conceive of a world in which you wouldn’t have something sorted out/in place”. Those were not your words but that is what I heard. I found this kind of humorous. I’ve talked to you before about sometimes someone can say just the right thing and it’s like it bursts the bubble of my obsessiveness or worry. This was sort of like that. You also had non-verbal communication that was congruent with being somewhat surprised and maybe amused, yes amused is part of it, at me being stuck at the if you even had something in place – not what that something was. I kind of laughed to all of this. It seemed so absurd having you say it out loud like that. I said yes in a way. I said, I don’t know. I said something about there not being a policy or rules. We talked about me not knowing what the expectations were. I made a comment about comfort in having those things, knowing what could be expected, what… what… what… would happen for me. I told you that as I’d been working through this I thought about the family lore. That at the time when my mom was pregnant with my sister, people come in and out and that maybe some of this was stemming from then. Maybe from never knowing who was to be there to take care of me; who is the next person to come through the door. This seems like a logical conclusion. I’m not sure it’s right it seems logical. You made some comment in support – how hard that would have been, scary... something along those lines.

Somewhere in here I said I love you. I think I surprised you with it. You softened your look and said I know. It was a warm and comforting I know. Melted.

As we move from this topic I brought up things from last night with my wife. I told you that one of the things W brought up was how when things were starting to fall apart for her, that I was the person that she’d go to for help and this time my answer was to go see a therapist. I told you that I responded by saying something about me reading picture books and playing remote control cars with my therapist (being childish not being big/adult). I said how W said it was more than just that or different than just that; that it was also some of me packing up my crayons and coloring books and going over there to color without her. That it was more than just excluding her. I said there was some of this “don’t even look at my coloring book” attitude. I said something about W not being wrong, that on one hand I was excited about the stuff I was getting and doing and on the other hand I was/am embarrassed about them and didn’t want anyone to know that I had the stuff. I said something about her not getting how hard it is for me. You made a comment about the remote control cars living in the back of a cabinet, in boxes and not on display. I told you that I really disliked her finding out about the blanket and it still bothers me whenever she brings it up.

I said that she was looking at a counselor. I told you about how she said that there was something wrong with everyone. I shared with you that W made the comment about not able to bring wine to the session. I jokingly told W that they couldn’t stop her. I said that they would probably stop her from drinking in session; however, as long as she wasn’t drunk when she went into session, they couldn’t really stop her. You laughed at this. You wanted to know what my thoughts were on this. I don’t think I answered you. I told you that I had asked W about it and she said that I had been pushing for it and MC had commented on it. I told you how I replied to W that she couldn’t trust MC because he is a therapist and that at the time for me, I had drunk the therapy kool aid. I think you laughed at that.

I told you that at first, I didn’t say any of that, that I let her talk and tried to listen. I said it was hard because I was disconnected. I knew that it was delicate as to when I said what, so I waited and worked my responses into the conversation on the way home from couples counseling.

At some point, I brought up my morning, how before I got the cars out, I and a thought/feeling. You said you love that word thought/feeling. I was embarrassed and was looking at the ground. I said that that thought/feeling was… I stammered. Finally, I said it, “oh hi mommy, there you are". I looked up at you to find an open and accepting gaze. I told you that it felt very much like a little kid at daycare that has been off playing with their friends only to look up/come around the corner and find you there without any understanding of how long you'd been there. You smiled at this story. I don’t remember you responding to it. It felt good.

Somewhere here my watch is gone off. We were almost at a time. I went to pack away the cars. You said something about at least coming being there. I said I wasn’t sure - your belongings. I’m so afraid of scratching something, damaging something. You don’t yell, yet I’m so afraid. I took some breaths. I sighed. You mirrored me. I don’t want to say I love you because I didn’t want to have to leave. I didn’t want to leave and I wasn’t heartbroken leave. Monday seems so far away. I said something about there being growth. After small pause I asked you if you saw growth. You took a breath in and I could just see it on your face in your in your expression that you are going to ask me what I thought you thought. I said don’t don’t you we were laughing. I said that there had been growth overall. I wasn’t sure if it still felt like there was growth in the last couple months. I said, that I wasn’t sure this still felt like there was growth but not any one direction is random. You said no vector. I said that didn’t answer the question. You again encouraged me to answer the question of what I thought you thought. I said something about thinking that there was growth. I indicated that I wasn’t confident in my thoughts. You looked at me. I looked at you. You said something, I didn’t hear it. I wish I knew what you said but I didn’t want to ruin it by asking you to repeat yourself. It seemed like it would be something fairly special and valuable. Based on the way you looked and the feeling I got from that, it was something very positive. I felt like it would lose that specialness if I was to ask you what you said.

me: I love you
you: I know
me: you matter a lot to me
you: I know

I made the comment that we didn’t talk about the extra sessions. You said that we had time and then remembered that I was trying to figure out a schedule for my working out. I reiterate that I’m just looking for general knowledge of if you got a plan in place. I ask if you have been thinking about how you want to structure your schedule or is it still just some nebulous future concept. You asked if I wanted to do three or four times a week and then you remind me about the wife’s insurance part of this whole package. Then you said that when you talk to other people, you were told that the insurance usually starts getting a little weird about it after three visits a week. You said that they start to want to have notes. You said you felt that was the invasion of privacy even though they are HIPAA compliant and all. You still felt like it got in the way. You talked about possibly doing some out-of-pocket and some through the insurance and wondered how that would work. I said that when I talked to wife’s insurance before, there were no limits or numbers visits a year. I said that that was last year though those things can change every year.

You brought up that the whole thing about the gender reassignment stuff going on and asked if I had received anything more. I said no. You said that it would be helpful for the billing people if anything more came in. I was saying that it would be no problem to bring that in. Then you asked something about primary insurance and secondary insurance. I said that I only had the one (wife’s) insurance plan with this insurance company (I used to be covered under 2 policies through them) but I do have my insurance plan. I didn’t know even how they sorted out what was primary what was secondary insurance is. You also were unsure. You wondered if you’d need to bill my insurance and get the denial before billing wife’s insurance. I gave you my insurance card (T is only in network with wife’s insurance and mine does not pay out of network) and you took a photocopy of it. I had said something about the time and you said that you had some time so we could do this.

I told you I have a meeting the other gym person on Friday and that I’d hoped to start working out in a couple of weeks. You reiterated that right now your schedule is Monday, Tuesday, and Thursdays. I’m still really hesitant to add just Tuesdays. We wrapped up. I stood up and we said our goodbyes, see you Mondays, have good weekends. I left, around and up the stairs, through the door. Bang. I forgot to catch the door, I cringe. I go out to the car and drove home – I am connected to you, already missing you.