Hi all

As some of you know, I had a rupture last week with my T for opening up about hopes of friendship after therapy and his reaction and excuses left me feeling so worthless and confused...after the way he had been with me for many many months.

We are ok I guess, he isn't mad or weirded out, we talked it out the best it can be and he is still trying his hardest to keep things feeling the same.... only thing is, they don't.

For so long, he truly made me feel like I matter, like he cared... I was happy more than I have been in a long time and I felt good about myself. I had some hope for my future.

Then all this came crashing down and all I could see was him being fake. Him "pretending" with me all this time for his job. I can no longer look at him with excitement and happy feelings but rather sad and confused feelings. I trust him mostly but not the same level I once did.

The reality of it all has hit me and I really have no idea how to keep trying therapy when this is constantly on my mind but I do wanna try and I don't want anyone new

The thing is, know I know I'm just a paycheck, I'm just a date on his calendar. I AM replaceable. When I finish someday, someone new will take my place... I wont matter anymore, I will be forgotten. I can't deal with this feeling, it's making me sick and feeling so so worthless but it is reality. How does one try to deal with and accept this reality so they can move forward in treatment? (even if I did see someone new as people often suggest, I would still feel this way...because it is the crap reality of therapy)