Quote:
Originally Posted by DP_2017
Hi all
As some of you know, I had a rupture last week with my T for opening up about hopes of friendship after therapy and his reaction and excuses left me feeling so worthless and confused...after the way he had been with me for many many months.
We are ok I guess, he isn't mad or weirded out, we talked it out the best it can be and he is still trying his hardest to keep things feeling the same.... only thing is, they don't.
For so long, he truly made me feel like I matter, like he cared... I was happy more than I have been in a long time and I felt good about myself. I had some hope for my future.
Then all this came crashing down and all I could see was him being fake. Him "pretending" with me all this time for his job. I can no longer look at him with excitement and happy feelings but rather sad and confused feelings. I trust him mostly but not the same level I once did.
The reality of it all has hit me and I really have no idea how to keep trying therapy when this is constantly on my mind but I do wanna try and I don't want anyone new
The thing is, know I know I'm just a paycheck, I'm just a date on his calendar. I AM replaceable. When I finish someday, someone new will take my place... I wont matter anymore, I will be forgotten. I can't deal with this feeling, it's making me sick and feeling so so worthless but it is reality. How does one try to deal with and accept this reality so they can move forward in treatment? (even if I did see someone new as people often suggest, I would still feel this way...because it is the crap reality of therapy)
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So sorry about this harsh situation within a milieu that once made you feel safe and hopeful. It's hard to read through the lines what happened here- if your T fell for you then caught himself, if your T was flexible with you then reconsidered- but for sure he suddenly pulled in the reins. Realistically, no T is going to be friends with a patient who has significant pathology - I don't know if you do or don't- but the ethics of that are pounded into them. The idea I guess is for your T to become replacable to you eventually, that the skills you develop in order to bond with him become transferable to someone else and the good T thus makes himself obsolete? In this case, he is just scaring you more abut relationships.
I am in such a similar place, that I almost wrote a similar post this morning. My T will say things like "I am right by your side", "be with me here", "stay the course with me". These things feel so intimate in the context of taboo topics from the past, and they feel a little. . . illicit since bth of us have SO's. I know they are pure, and I don't have any physical attraction to my T. On the other hand, with that level of intimacy, the times he cancels 5 times in 6 weeks seems casual & cavalier- like oh my real life calls so FU. I have4nt bounced back from this- it seems like I had romanticized therapy like Good Will Hunting, and now I just feel diminished and sad and cynical.