Filling out forms, been laying in my drawer for weeks.
Filling them out feels like there is no turning back. I believed I was ready to do this, but somehow I get a bit emotional at the same time. Which I rarely get.

Suddenly «Fix you» with Coldplay comes into my Spotify while filling out the forms and it makes me feel emotional listening to it.

It’s time. I’m done fixing myself on my own. Done spending all my intellect and energy controling this ****. My ups have been more than my downs, and for many years a great advantage. But. The last two years my ups have become psychotic and mixed- one lasted for several weeks, until I was hospitalized unvoluntarily. (I refused to talk to anyone, nor let them diagnose me)
And my downs have been more often, still not severe since I lack most emotions in that direction. I just get really empty on energy and extremely introverted.

I am sad, because it feels like I am giving up. And I am afraid I will never experience those good ups, the ones that actually works in my work-life, the ones that makes me actually deliver results beyond what is expected.

I still need to do it, I have family- and I am afraid what can happen if this new strength in this is not temporary, so I need to do this. Let the professionals be the judge of my condition and how to keep me stable.

I’ve done what I can to control this, it’s just getting stronger than I can handle on my own.
Part of me is feeling relief, like- I just want to relax for a moment, not struggling keeping myself together and balanced alone all the time. I’m exhausted. Had lots of fun, though. But yeah, exhausting.

Lol, and still. Even now, even after full blown mania- I still have this voice- «meh, maybe you’re not bipolar- they are just trying to fence you in» …

No questions, just wanted to share. I don’t know. Just doubting. Will I regret this. Feels like admitting it will make me worse, like if I let go it will outgrow me even more. Feels like I am keeping a lid on it, and it will explode in my face if I let someone open that lid and take a look inside.