Hello, it's me again.

I want to start to tell you all what happened at my last session. For the last month i have been trying to talk to my therapist about the struggle of me being very attached to her, to the point where this attachment has become very, very painful. This topic is not easy, not only for me but also for her. So I tried to prepare her gradually, by sending her long and elaborate emails and trying to explain fragment of my suffering during our sessions. A few weeks ago, I wrote her, probably the most important email. I explained to her everything, mostly the information that i have been sharing with you all, the longing, yearning, jealousy. She chose to ignore that email. I was the first time that i felt ignored and neglected by her. So on the next email, i explained that it was not ok from her to "bypass" that specific topic. We agreed to talk about everything i want at our next session.

That particular session was last week. I noticed that she felt uncomfortable, it was something new to me. "What do you want to talk about today" she asked. I told her that i want to talk about the issues mentioned in that long email that i have send her. She went quiet, started thinking. She closed her notebook, removed her glasses and confessed that for the last four sessions she consciously and subconsciously was trying to avoid the topic of attachment, transference, love and pain. All this because she did not know how to handle it, how to deal with this issue, regarding me. She tried to explain that it is something that it is hard for her, because of me and that it includes her personally. She explained that she dealt with lesser forms of transference with other clients, and the method she used was not going to work for me, because my attachment is so deep, so powerful and she does not have the knowledge how to help without hurting me. She said she cared about me, genuinely, and does want to see me smile and happy. But she will not be able to help me overcome this obstacle . It was the first time that i saw my therapist (that i idealize, respect and adore so much) so "powerless". In contrast to other situations, i wanted to hug her because how sorry i was that i failed her, that i made her feel clueless.

My nightmare regarding her and therapy came true. Her, for the first time not knowing what to do with me, and saying that the thing we have now it is not bringing the desired results. She suggested that maybe it is for the best that i would see someone else, temporarily, until i dealt with this problem that has it's roots very deep. She said that she knows a male colleague, that in her opinion will be able to help me. During this "therapy" for the main therapy we can continue to communicate via email, if i want. Once i will be freed from this burden/obstacle we will continue therapy as always. I don't know if that will be the case though....
Or, she would try on her own. To start investigate, to study the topic more and utilize the help of a supervisor in order to help me. These are the two options.

Now it is up to me to decide (sigh). I'm will have to write her next week (she told me to), to let her know what i have chosen. I noticed that she somehow wished i would choose option one because it would benefit me more, which as you might have guessed, it is not what i desire. But i don't want to disappoint her again. On the other hand i don't want to start over with someone new, to build trust and all, and to not see her for a while. I started to miss her now, what would happen if i don't see her for a long time? And i have doubts that the other therapist will be able to help on the first place.
I am feeling like i am loosing something, like i am loosing someone very important. All this time in therapy, despite the pain of attachment, she created this safe haven for me, a second home, a better home. Now it seems like it is crumbling and i am feeling very insecure and anxious. I know she will wait for my decision, and i just don't know what to do. She said she will be ok with either decision, but it is very important to think it through, before making this important decision. I fear abandonment and i am scared of what will come next. All i want now is to be near her you know, to feel her love and compassion. I have no one else to talk about it.

Any suggestions? What should i do? Please help me.