Triggering***************************************************











If... someone IRL offered to help you... support you in efforts to get better... would you take it???? and what support would be helpful...

My friend of 20 some years passed away...from an eating disorder.. and I am reeling in shock... I guess no one "feels" my shock... it is like... oh well.... onward we go... and I want to scream....I tried everything that I could to help my friend...

I am questioning... whether anyone IRL truely loves me...yes.... I am...I am in tears.....

My eating disorder... comsumes my life... and I try and I try and I try to overcome.... always alone...

I have gone to my family physcian.. and my therapist... and a dietcian... and they do not understand..eating disorders... it is specialized.. my body does not tolerate food.. and acid reflux.. asthma... such a complicated mess..I am...

I think now... about my son... 23 who I raised with loving care... and my best friend of 29 years... and I think... would really take so much effort on their part... to help get groceries in the house... to help me fix meals... and yet... I am not of enough "worth" for them to extend this effort to me...it would take very little effort on their part to help me start with "brothing".... they know i need the help... they know I am weak... they know I am exhausted...

They both know it... my best friend is retired..

and my other good friend...she also knows that I need help.. both of my friends would not "think" of not going to church every sunday..

But.. they cannot spend that amount of time on me... their friend...

So... I do ask myself... will they take the time to come to my funeral?

I ask myself... of what importantance is a human life...

It is.. after all.......... an eating disorder... that is all..

I ask myself... about my friend's husband.. her 3 adult sons.. and her adult daugther... where were they....
The husband... I know... "in denial"... saying.. "oh well"... her adult son.. saying "I wash my hands of it"... her daughter.. an eating disorder too...

and now... she is gone...

What help would I want IRL... I would want someone to get groceries for me... to fix some meals... that my body could digest... to have someone actually talk to me.. and ask "what can I do to help?"..."did you eat today" "do you have food" and say "I love you.. you are important to me"

My life feels shattered....