I recently started teletherapy and was lucky to find a therapist I mesh with SUPER well. I’ve been in therapy before and never felt like it’s as good of a match.

Anyway, I’m thinking of stopping it or at least not doing so much brain-barfing as I have been. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about nihilism/the point of life, and subsequently more and more suicidal ideation. On Friday she made me go through a risk assessment and then outlined the goals we need to work together on in therapy. You could tell she was really worried about me, which felt weird; like normally it’s their job to worry, I know, but you could tell the tone was different, and for example she ended spending up way more time on me that day/more than 2 replies.

Due to the nature of tele-text-therapy, you can write whatever you want whenever and they respond 2 times a day. This works out really well for me but I feel like I’m developing and unhealthy addiction to waiting for the pings when I have a message. It’s just because I don’t have anyone else to talk to, let alone be honest with, not because I’m creepy or something. Side note is that it sucks you have no one to talk to on the weekend (I know they’re only human and need time off, but I feel lost on the weekend). But in any case I end up spilling my guts out, which gets me thinking about all the worst stuff possible, and feeling just rotten. It's not that she doesn't reply in a good way, it's just the time after spilling my guts out and getting a reply tears me up. Or even if she does reply really soon I end up thinking about all the stuff I chatted to her for way longer than I EVER would have.

Anyway between feeling like I’m developing an unhealthy reliance on it, feeling like nothing’s gonna get better anyway, and feeling like I’m not gonna be able to be 100% honest without freaking her out (e.g., I’ve started taking old klonopin—not a lot/abusing it, but just enough to turn my brain off, but I don’t wanna tell her), I’m thinking about ghosting it. That does make me feel like a total asshole, because she's very nice and she's the first therapist I've felt didn't drive me up a wall, but I’m sure she has plenty of other clients to worry about.

Oh, another thing—I had to take some standard assessments and every other time/with any other service it’s resulted in “youre too ****ed up for teletherapy” so I’m just preparing for that rejection too even though we're already 2+ weeks in. I guess I’m just reluctant because I finally felt like I found someone who could help me.

I can’t tell what the right thing to do is.