Thanks for the replies, everyone - and for all the ideas.

I was in counseling for 3 years with a great therapist. We haven't talked in a long time, mainly because I haven't felt like I had anything significant to discuss with her. Towards the end of my therapy with her, my husband came with me - it was not a great experience. He was clearly uncomfortable (even though he had offered to come multiple times). He was very closed, and I am certain it's because he doesn't know how to be open and vulnerable with people. I'm the only person he has that he can be truly open with, and even that is hard won sometimes. It's too much for me to be his only confidante, but he doesn't make deep friendships with people in general.

I did tell him a week ago that we needed to see a counselor together. He agreed to go (reluctantly, but I'll take what I can get). I put a call in to someone on Monday, but she hasn't gotten back to me. I don't want to go to my therapist, because I don't feel that's very fair to my husband. I would rather see someone neutral that doesn't have a lot of one-sided history.

As for the black belt issue, right now it's immaterial about whether I want to test without him or not. I'm too late to start on this round, and if we move it would likely be before the next round. I think my husband would have been hurt but supportive if I told him I wanted to test whether he was ready or not - but at the time of discussion, this wasn't on the table and waiting 6 months didn't seem like a big deal. Our Master would likely have let me test if I objected to his reasoning, but it would feel very strange to do so - in general he is the one who lets us know if he feels we're ready to test. It would feel very strange in an art form that prizes humility in its practitioners, particularly with regard to the judgment of those higher in rank, to ask or demand more.

I'm not spiraling as much yesterday or today. We talked a little more, and decided he would apply for the temporary post to this job. That would give him 4 months there to see what he thinks. In the meantime, before that placement would start (if he gets it - that's not certain), we have a long list of things that need to be done around our home if we we're going to sell it. Those things are also on the list of just needing to get done in general, so even if we don't move, I'll be happy they're done. I'm focusing my energy there right now, which is helping me. I always feel better if I'm doing something productive, rather than feeling like everything is just happening around/to me.

I also had an interesting conversation with my older brother today about this. He's moved several times (granted, he's single and has no kids, which makes a lot of difference). The thing he said that really stuck with me was that even though the moves were uncomfortable, the only thing he ever regretted (in hindsight) was not doing it sooner. They were all great chances for growth, and they helped him professionally by keeping him moving rather than being stagnant. That is one thing that is certain - if we stay, my husband will certainly be stagnant professionally. And, he is genuinely terrified that he's not qualified/skilled enough to do what he should be doing in his position. I hate that for him, and I want more for him, particularly when more is possible.

For me, I know that I'm just terrified in general of change. It took me a lot (including going through a 10-year depression) to get to where I am today. My fear is that without a strong community of support around me, I'll end up there again. My husband is afraid of that, too - he's not insensible to what I would be leaving behind. He said tonight that he would absolutely hate himself if we moved and I ended up back in that state.

I guess I just don't know what will happen, and I know from my history and from my work in therapy that trying to control things that are unknown and not entirely within my control alone are a recipe for mental unrest. The more open I make myself to this as a possibility, the less freaked out I am. I'm still terrified, but I'm no longer sobbing uncontrollably about it. I'm calm and rational, and I feel better able to face this decision with some degree of pragmatism, rather than just all of my immediate emotional reactions.

That's another of my challenges. In the heat of my immediate reactions, it honestly can feel like my world is ending. I don't feel that way today, and I'm not sure of myself - whether time just helps me to see through my knee-jerk reactions, or whether familiarity with the idea and exhaustion with the emotional tax of it all moves me closer to reconciliation as a pathway out of the mental upheaval.