I'm upset because I am confused about a situation where I feel no need to apologize. I lack the ability to understand why I should apologize. This upsets me and makes me feel like a villain.

I'm staying with a "friend" while I search for an apartment. She still lives with her parents. I feel cramped in here because I must answer to them while here. I do their dishes and laundry. I must smile and be pleasant. I also feel cramped in here because I do not like situations where there are families, and there is me, on the outside. I am feeling anxious here.

Today the father gave me some unsolicited advice, a lecture where obedience is key (a cultural thing). He assumed I wasn't doing well with some things. I corrected him and pointed out that he didn't know me--that no one knows me--so how could he assume that I am not doing things right? How could he assume that I didn't know the things he was telling me? That is basically what I said word for word.

Apparently I scared the mother with my little routine of "no one knows me" (it's true, though). I am used to fighting so maybe my words were a bit harsh, but I think I was a bit rude, that's all.

My friend was angry with me because she said I talked back to her father. I really have no grasp on why she would be angry with me. Firstly, I wasn’t rude to her. Second, I can talk back to him because he is not my father, and I do not allow anyone to assume or insinuate that I am helpless.

I was upset by the idea that I caused some domestic disturbance without knowing it. The only thing I am aware of here is that my father issues cloud many situations for me. But I did not know that I could be so mean without knowing it, that I scared people. That maybe my traumatic rupture with my own father could have been engineered only by someone with darkness and anger inside. My friend is unable to really deal with talking back. She said she would get grounded if she talked back. She's afraid to talk back. I can't remember a time when I obeyed a punishment. I think I was really difficult. I just feel really rough around the edges right now. Undomesticated.

Also, I am upset because I still do not understand why I should apologize, as my friend suggested. For what? For being rude while a guest? Maybe, but I don't really think I was rude. I simply stood up for myself. I didn't allow him to consume me. And I'm not apologizing for "scaring the mother" because I don't really know if she was scared or what. Apparently I was aggressive.

Finally, I am upset because I had originally offered to my friend that I would apologize for arguing (not for talking back). But I told her some things that I shouldn't have, and it's clear that she doesn't understand me. I tell her I haven't spoken with my father for 11 years, and she says she doesn't really speak with hers too, but I see them together, and they are easy with each other. She doesn't understand what I'm getting at, at all, and I feel like she is sheltered. She's so stressed out because of parental pressure. Why doesn't she just distance herself from them the way I have had to? And she saw my self harm scars today, and thought it was a rash. I said, no, they are scars. She asked what happened, and I said baldly, "I cut myself." She didn't really react.

I feel she does not understand me and my pain, and I would rather be misunderstood and hated than apologize and start to have to answer to someone. I don't answer to them. So I told her to never tell her parents what I told her about myself and that I wasn't going to apologize. Because an apology is nothing without understanding.

I need to get out of here. I will be happy to leave by the end of the week. I don't know where I'm going because I'm bad at understanding that the future is a reality. But I love it like this. I feel alert.

I thought my friend was a stable and strong person for me, but I saw her cry today (unrelated to my domestic disturbance) and while I was able to comfort her with words, I feel so repulsed by her now. She explained that she feels like a failure. I don't know, I just really hate weakness. I hate how she is loyal to her family and doesn't help me much and isn't there for me and doesn't understand me. I hate her family. I would hate all families, if I had to live with them. It's too nerve wracking. I didn't ask anything from her parents. I don't ask them for rides or anything. So I don't know why they're interfering with my life.

I have the impulse to just cut her out of my life once I leave this place at the end of the week.