I'm now drinking coffee completely under my blanket and have been under here long enough for the coffee to go mostly cold. Dad asked me why I was "crying all night again." Why wouldn't he wake me to ask me or try anything other than bother me about it after it happened all night? I did ask him. "I thought you wanted to be alone." In this place, I AM ALONE. I'm not going to tell them what this is about at any cost. They haven't bothered to try to understand bipolar, so they sure aren't going to try for this one. I'm certain it would be some way to blame me for it too, just like they blame me every time mania or depression sets in. I don't understand this one yet and I've had many years to figure it out. I had a long time early this morning of full-blown SI but I managed to talk myself down. REBT works sometimes. I know it's not all my fault. I almost stopped on the high bridge yesterday. I am falling apart and there's not a thing anyone can do about it. I have my weirdness too. I still can joke around and have other conversations and yet, this very sad part of me still exists in the background, consuming me anyway.
There was a woman at the gym yesterday that said "I can tell how bad you're hurting" as she walked on by. I wanted to believe she was on her phone, but I don't think she was. She didn't stop though.
I won't go back into hospital. I'm not going to let this beat me down again! I'm mad at myself for letting it bother me at all, and moreso for letting it bother me ever.
My coffee's now gone. I'm going back to sleep. I don't want to be awake right now. I don't want to dream either. I just want to get rest in every possible aspect.