SorryShaped,

I have gradually learned that when I experience flashbacks there was a theme to all of them. Also, what I slowly began to realize is how the now in my life and the challenges I was facing was the reason I began experiencing these flashbacks. The now was so challenging and the flashbacks I began experiencing only made an already challenging now, even worse. In the now I was struggling and felt "powerless" because in the now I was literally overwhelmed with "dysfunction".

Human beings need to feel "empowered" and that is what helps a human being develop healthier self esteem. When a child is allowed to develop skills and is rewarded for their effort and gradual gain, that child becomes more "self confident".

If a person experiences a trauma in their childhood that frightens them and they feel powerless and frightened and targeted in some way that is threatening, this experience is something that child will remember and may hide talking about it for fear of how this challenge can make whatever traumatized that child "worse".

Personally, I did not really care for the "you were a survivor" comments that therapists tended to say to me when I shared some of this very challenging history. When I began having flashbacks and began even "feeling" them physically and emotionally, I could not see experiencing that as being a "survivor" especially when these flashbacks disabled me for often a few days.

SorryShaped, I have cried and cried myself. Often these flashbacks would bring back past/childhood experiences that I suffered through and when I look back with my adult mind and remember these trauma's it deeply saddens me that the child in me had endured what I was experiencing in the flashbacks. Most of these flashbacks reflect how I was abused or faced really toxic behaviors directed at me or that I witnessed that were enacted by individuals that directed THEIR rage and anger and dysfunctional problems at me or someone else that I witnessed being hurt. In these situations I felt POWERLESS. What made the now so challenging was not knowing when something in the now would trigger me to experience something I had experienced in my past. And one thing I had been facing from others were comments like "that is the past, not now, let it go, ignore it, just forget it, it's over, it's in the past, that's just kid stuff to name a few comments that as anyone who struggles KNOWS that NEVER helps. None of these comments provide a sense of "empowerment", in fact, what these comments actually do is add insult to injury instead. Often these comments represent the same dismissiveness or attitude of "your problems are an imposition to me" mentality.

One thing I did recently was I decided to give it a try to actually watch the State of The Union Address. I was not sure if I could sit and watch that tbh. However, when I sat and watched that I ended up seeing something that triggered me and yet helped me recognize something at the same time. Now, I am sharing this in hopes that it will not be considered some kind desire to talk about politics. That is totally "not" what I am trying to discuss. What I noticed about what I saw is how human beings can behave where what that human being needs the most is "how their feelings simply have to be more important" no matter what someone is expressing that shows their significant personal pain and life experience. It made me think about how I experienced that myself where I was trying to thrive despite some significant deep challenges, and my needs were literally drowned out and insignificant because of someone else's need to have THEIR feelings and opinions and anger or hate take precedent. I found it triggering in how a child can experience that in their own home were the hate and anger between the adult parents can become more important than whatever the child is being challenged with that can actually be literally "traumatizing" that child. That is what my childhood was like. It's not about politics at all IMHO, it's about the behavior overall that becomes so toxic where the hate becomes more important than whatever a child or even adult is experiencing that is traumatizing. Any "yeah but I hate" will simply prove my point and that is what I have noticed often takes precedent rather than listening and respecting someone genuine challenge being shared.