From a very young age I've been a freak. It was impossible for me to socialize and I never formed any real relationships and had intimacy and trust issues, I was also bullied. To make things worse I was hypersexual ever since I can remember and used to hump things the way dogs do even as a kid when I was about 5, and used to fantasize about girls. As I grew older, as you can imagine, it only got worse. I've had almost every perverted thought you can imagine, even about relatives and friends and I've had an obsession with my first cousin. All of this only made me feel grossed out with myself and hate myself even more. I have read online that these might be symptoms of having suffered some kind of trauma at a very young age (perhaps of sexual nature) that I've pushed back. Perhaps the most traumatizing experience that I remember from my childhood is when I was roughly 6-8 (???) and an older girl let me play with her vagina and then asked to touch my penis although I don't actually remember that happening. For many years I felt ashamed even though I thought I should be proud of that experience, I guess. That girl lived quite far away and I never spoke much to her since. Even whenever she visited on vacation and wanted to hang out I systematically avoided her, because I really disliked her and was uncomfortable around her. I'm 18 now and she recently added me on Facebook. Other than that I saw my mother naked several times as a young child and was also very grossed out and embarrassed, as well as my mother yelling at me and hitting me at times and my father threatening to hit me with his belt when I didn't eat my food. I always resented my parents but as I grew older they seemed to be much nicer to me for some reason. I have no idea what normal is at this point and have trouble imagining myself being a well adjusted member of society. I've contemplated suicide many times. As far as me being sexually abused as a child, I think it's very far-fetched and I can't think of anyone in my family capable of such a thing, but I guess it would explain the confusion around my sexuality and my own perversion. I want to start therapy at some point if it is going to help. This is actually the first time I mention any of this to anyone. Please be understanding.