Tonight's session was intense. Good, bad, all of the things.

It started out awkward, and it started out with me being irritated and not even knowing why (although I did call him out on the "it's not reassurance if I tell you what to say" thing, and then he was like "ok so I will not ask you what you need from me anymore" and then that frustrated me because it wasn't the same and on and on). And with C calling me out on being angry, and with me being like "why are you so obsessed with me being angry?" More on that in a second.

We talked again about my fear that he doesn't believe me. I was more blunt this time about what I was asking if he believed. I told him the car analogy and asked him if he believed that I was sometimes in the driver's seat, passenger seat, and back seat. He said he did, and he said that was normal for everyone, and then said "but I sense there's something more that you're not saying." Ultimately, his answer was enough for me to feel comfortable sharing parts stuff with him tonight.

I told him about my notebook. I pulled it out, actually, when my frustration at the beginning of the session seemed about to derail us into a long, unsatisfying session. I told him about the strange "recovered memories and then lost them again" experience. We talked about my experience with recovering memories, and I got a lot of affirmation that he believed my experience.

We talked about my fear over exploring memories and letting parts come forward, etc. My fear over recovering memories. I felt he understood how I was afraid of the emotional pain as well as afraid of what it might mean for my life today if I had to reconsider people/parts of my life given new information.

We talked about a little part missing him horribly, about how that part doesn't seem able to comprehend that him not being literally right here didn't mean him being gone. He said it sounded like a very small child; that felt validating. Things get a little fuzzy here, because that part was very far forward, so much so that my vision started to go darker, it was weird.

What I do recall is, while that part was still very much forward, he brought up the "we must annoy one another" conversation. Bluntly he said "you annoy me all the time." I am not able to process this - even now, it really hurts. I shut down quite immediately, and he called me out on it saying I did this last time (shut down). I was able to pull myself out a little bit, but I don't remember much of the conversation right now. He said that the primary message I send is one of annoyance...and that really hurts, because it is so far off from what I want to be sending. I can't help but hear it as "I don't like you." I've sent him a follow-up email, because I was not able to accurately express how I was receiving what he was saying.

The one little part of me got really hurt - hearing "I don't like you. You are annoying." and I'm struggling to control the fallout from that. She is the primary one who wrote the follow-up email to C, and I'm really hoping he understands that. Another part is acting up now throwing ED stuff in my path as a method of somehow improving to be more worthy and claiming my being fat is what makes me so annoying and unworthy.

It is very helpful to be able to talk about this in "parts" though - I'm much more able to keep my "highest adult self" (ha) present by acknowledging that these things are coming from parts rather than having to full-on feel it/hear it/be taken over (get hijacked, as Olivia says) in order to express these things as if they are all coming from one "me." It's far less confusing, so I suppose that is a good thing.

I'm having a really hard time right now, though, with the little part just broken hearted. I may have to literally call C, but I'm scared that will just be even more annoying.